Key Moments

Jerry Colonna — The Coach With the Spider Tattoo | The Tim Ferriss Show (Podcast)

Tim FerrissTim Ferriss
Howto & Style4 min read127 min video
Jun 26, 2019|10,142 views|104|11
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TL;DR

Jerry Colonna discusses self-discovery, confronting inner critics, and the courage it takes to lead authentically.

Key Insights

1

The spider tattoo serves as a constant reminder to worry less and trust that things will be okay.

2

We are often complicit in creating the difficult conditions in our lives by not saying what needs to be said.

3

Self-coaching involves asking oneself difficult questions about complicity, unspoken needs, and unheard messages.

4

Journaling and mindfulness practices are crucial for self-awareness and managing internal conflicts.

5

Radical acceptance of all parts of oneself, including anger and anxiety, is key to healing and personal growth.

6

Saying 'no' to what doesn't serve you, even if successful, is essential for authentic living and well-being.

THE SYMBOLISM OF THE SPIDER TATTOO WITH JERRY COLONNA

Jerry Colonna shares the profound story behind his spider tattoo, a symbol born from a significant retreat in 2007. After a dream and a guided experience in the forest, he encountered a spider that imparted a crucial message: "You worry too much, your children are going to be fine." This revelation led him to get the tattoo above his heart as a daily reminder of this core truth, acknowledging that while the message remains relevant, he still needs the reminder due to his tendency to forget and worry excessively.

NAVIGATING LIFE'S CRUCIBLES: 9/11 AND PERSONAL TURMOIL

Colonna recounts a deeply challenging period around February 2002, following the 9/11 attacks and his transition from a successful venture capital career. Working at JPMorgan, he found himself in a state of emotional collapse, profoundly affected by the attacks on his beloved New York City. This led to an overwhelming desire to end his life, a moment he narrowly averted by calling his therapist, who guided him away from self-destruction towards a path of recovery and rebuilding.

THE POWER OF COMPLICITY AND UNACKNOWLEDGED TRUTHS

A central theme in Colonna's philosophy is the concept of complicity in our own suffering. He introduces the powerful question: "How have I been complicit in creating the conditions I say I don't want?" This framework, distinct from mere responsibility, encourages individuals to identify unconscious patterns that serve them, even if they cause pain. Colonna emphasizes that often, suffering stems from not saying what needs to be said, or not saying it in a way that is heard.

THE CATALYST FOR COACHING: A MOMENT OF EMPATHY AND INSIGHT

Colonna's entry into coaching was sparked by a profound encounter with a young lawyer seeking career advice. Witnessing the lawyer's deep unhappiness rooted in pleasing his father, Colonna felt a powerful sense of empathy, recognizing his own past struggles. His intuitive act of handing the young man Parker Palmer's book, 'Let Your Life Speak,' led him to the realization that he was meant to help others find their own path by alleviating suffering and fostering self-discovery, marking a pivotal career shift.

MASTERING THE INNER CRITIC AND MANAGING OVERWHELM

Colonna addresses the overwhelming 'crow' on one's shoulder — the inner critic that highlights failures and insecurities. He emphasizes that fighting this voice is counterproductive; instead, one must acknowledge its presence and understand its underlying, albeit misguided, intention to protect. For those experiencing overwhelm, he suggests exploring how 'busyness' serves them and identifying the internal needs it distracts from, noting that by age 35-50, the systems that once served us begin to break down.

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE AND EMBODYING AUTHENTICITY

Tools like journaling, embodying the mantra "I am good," and practicing radical acceptance are vital for reconciling with different parts of oneself. Colonna highlights that acknowledging and accepting all aspects of our personality, including anger and rage, transforms them into powerful forces for justice and self-protection, akin to transforming the Hulk into Thor. This self-acceptance is liberating, allowing individuals to release guilt and embrace their true selves, recognizing that they are enough.

THE COURAGE TO SAY NO AND THE ART OF BOUNDARY SETTING

Colonna advises on the importance of setting boundaries and saying 'no,' even when difficult. He shares wisdom from Seth Godin ('I wish I could, but I can't') and Sharon Salzberg ('All beings own their own karma'), emphasizing that our well-being is not contingent on fulfilling others' expectations. This involves accepting the potential for disappointing others, loving them from afar, and recognizing that prioritizing our own needs is not selfish but essential for sustainable living.

THE BILLBOARD MESSAGE AND UNIVERSAL HUMAN EXPERIENCE

Colonna proposes a billboard message: "You are not alone, and just because you feel like [expletive] doesn't mean you are." This simple yet profound statement addresses the universal human experience of struggle and the isolating feeling of brokenness. It encourages equanimity by recognizing that difficult feelings are temporary and that the shared human condition of struggle is a natural part of life's journey, not a sign of personal failure.

Common Questions

Jerry Colonna's spider tattoo is a reminder to him not to worry too much and that his children will be fine. It originated from a dream and an actual encounter with a Virginia garden spider during a retreat in 2007, where the spider conveyed this message directly to him.

Topics

Mentioned in this video

People
Jerry Colonna

Co-founder and CEO of Reboot.io, an executive coaching and leadership development firm, and author of 'Reboot: Leadership and the Art of Growing Up'. He previously worked in venture capital at JPMorgan Partners and Flatiron Partners.

Carl Jung

A Swiss psychoanalyst and psychiatrist who founded analytical psychology, whose concept of the 'shadow' is referenced by Jerry Colonna when discussing dismembered parts of ourselves.

Parker Palmer

An author and activist focused on issues in education, community, leadership, and social change, whose book 'Let Your Life Speak' was profoundly impactful for Jerry Colonna.

Ted Geisel

An American children's author, for whom Tim Ferriss attributes the quote, 'The people who matter don't mind and the people who mind don't matter,' as a reminder for managing social discomfort.

Tara Brach

An American psychologist, author, and teacher of Buddhist meditation, whose book 'Radical Acceptance' was highly recommended by Tim Ferriss.

Jack Kornfield

American author and teacher of Buddhist meditation, mentioned by Tim Ferriss as a resource for learning about Metta and loving-kindness meditation.

Tim Urban

Blogger and author who writes for Wait But Why, whose article 'Taming the Mammoth' is recommended by Tim Ferriss as a resource for dealing with the monkey mind.

Julia Cameron

American artist, author, and teacher, widely known for her book 'The Artist's Way' and the concept of 'morning pages' (free writing for self-exploration).

Fred Wilson

Co-founder of Flatiron Partners with Jerry Colonna, and later co-founded Union Square Ventures.

Seth Godin

An American author and former dot com business executive, who gave Jerry Colonna the 'I wish I could, but I can't' advice for setting boundaries.

Bill Plotkin

A Jungian ecopsychologist who led a retreat in 2007, where Jerry Colonna experienced a significant dream and encounter with a spider.

Pema Chödrön

An American Tibetan Buddhist nun and author whose book 'When Things Fall Apart' was impactful for Jerry Colonna.

Sharon Salzberg

An American author and Buddhist meditation teacher, whose book 'Faith' impacted Jerry Colonna, and who later became his friend and teacher.

Jeff Walker

Jerry Colonna's boss at JPMorgan and a close friend, with whom he made the difficult decision not to renew his contract at the bank.

Brad Burnham

Co-founder of Union Square Ventures, who teamed up with Fred Wilson after Jerry Colonna left Flatiron Partners.

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