What is the number one mistake people make when making a first impression?

The biggest mistake is looking down or being distracted by a phone or device. This posture resembles a universal defeat posture, making a person appear like a 'loser' and inadvertently creating a negative first impression before any words are exchanged.

How can I improve my body language for effective communication in meetings or podcast interviews?

Ensure your body is angled towards the other person, maintain 60-70% eye contact (especially at the end of your points), and allow for moments of thoughtful gaze aversion when processing information organically. Avoid overly rehearsed or robotic movements to appear authentic and competent.

How can I make online first impressions better on Zoom or dating apps?

On Zoom, always turn your camera on immediately, ensure a clear background, and have an anecdote or question ready to start. For dating apps, use a unique opener (e.g., 'Howdy') instead of generic greetings like 'Hi' to stand out and pique curiosity.

What is 'dream-killing' in conversation, and how can I avoid it?

Dream-killing occurs when you shut down a conversational thread without offering an alternative, often through negative or short answers like 'I don't do that.' To avoid it, offer playful or expansive responses that invite further dialogue, even if you don't like the initial topic.

Why do people seem resistant to forming connections despite wanting them?

This phenomenon, dubbed the 'baby crisis,' is attributed to individuals withholding their true feelings, being 'too busy' with routines and self-care, or having too many options (like the 'jam dilemma'). These factors create rigidity and prevent genuine connections.

How can leaders communicate more effectively regarding their job or company?

Instead of vague descriptions like 'I run a tech company,' leaders should frame their profession as 'I am a [role] who helps [specific type of client/solve specific problem].' This creates conversational 'hooks,' making it easier for others to ask follow-up questions and understand your purpose.

Why is saying 'because' important for leaders and in communication?

Humans are inherently motivated by reasons. Providing even a simple 'because' for a request or statement increases the likelihood of compliance or buy-in. It helps people understand the 'why' behind an action, fostering motivation and agreement.

How can I non-verbally signal that I like someone?

Non-verbal cues include vocalizations (like 'hmms' and 'ahs'), triple nodding, head tilts, and leaning in. For women, self-touch gestures like touching hair or lips can indicate interest. Being an 'easy laugher' is also one of the fastest ways to show liking.

What are the seven universal micro-expressions I should know?

The seven universal micro-expressions are Fear, Disgust, Anger, Happiness, Sadness, Surprise, and Contempt. Each has distinct facial cues (e.g., widened eyes for fear, crinkled nose for disgust) that signal underlying emotions, often unconsciously.

Why is contempt a particularly damaging micro-expression in relationships?

Contempt, often appearing as a one-sided smirk, signals a feeling of superiority or disdain towards another person. Dr. John Gottman's research shows it's a strong predictor of divorce (93.6% accuracy within 30 years) if unaddressed, as it fosters disrespect and hatred.

Can I change my personality traits, or are they fixed?

Personality traits, like the 'OCEAN' model (Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, Neuroticism), are 42-57% heritable. However, there's a 30-40% potential for change. While you can't drastically shift from low to high on a spectrum, you can purposefully 'dial up' or 'dial down' traits to a medium level.

Which personality traits are associated with living longer and shorter lives?

High conscientiousness (due to better habits like exercising and medication adherence) and high extraversion (due to stronger social connections and support systems) are correlated with living longer. Conversely, high neuroticism (chronic stress, anxiety, depression) is associated with shorter lifespans.

How can lifelong singles find their person if they are low in openness, extraversion, and conscientiousness?

Lifelong singles should focus on activities that energize them (e.g., knitting, hiking) rather than people. Meet others as a side effect of shared activities. For low openness, stick to a ritual or habit (e.g., same activity, different locations). For low conscientiousness, invest in tools or training to build habits for meeting new people.

Body Language Expert Explains Why People Dislike You

The Diary Of A CEO

People & Blogs3 min read130 min video

Apr 10, 2025|2,571,255 views|66,282|6,013

The Diary Of A CEO steven bartlett steve bartlett podcast the diary of a CEO podcast life lessons CEO

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Key Moments

TL;DR

Learn secrets of likeability, body language, and communication for better relationships and career wins.

Key Insights

Personality traits have genetic components but possess significant potential for change (30-40%).

First impressions are formed within milliseconds and are highly accurate; avoid looking at your phone.

Master communicators "gift" positive chemicals (dopamine, testosterone, serotonin) to others.

Use "What's good?" instead of "How are you?" to break conversational scripts and foster deeper connections.

Understanding the seven universal micro-expressions can help decode emotions and interactions.

Develop a "story toolbox" with interesting anecdotes for common topics to enhance conversations.

High conscientiousness and extroversion are linked to longer lifespans due to better habits and stronger social support systems.

THE POWER OF FIRST IMPRESSIONS

First impressions are formed within the first 100 milliseconds, making them crucial for forming opinions. Research indicates these initial judgments are surprisingly accurate (around 76%) in assessing personality traits like extroversion and agreeableness. To make a strong positive first impression, avoid common mistakes such as looking at your phone or displaying closed-off body language. Instead, aim for open posture, visible hands, and direct eye contact. These non-verbal cues are vital from the moment someone first sees you, even before you speak.

MASTERING CONVERSATIONAL CUES

Effective communication involves more than just words; it's about the cues you send. Instead of the standard "How are you?," which often leads to superficial responses, try "What's good?" or "What have you been looking forward to?" These open-ended questions encourage deeper, more engaging conversations. The goal is to "gift" positive chemicals like dopamine (excitement), testosterone (capability), and serotonin (calmness) to others, leaving them feeling better. This involves actively listening, sharing commonalities (thread theory), and using language that evokes positive emotions.

THE ART OF BODY LANGUAGE AND MICRO-EXPRESSIONS

Body language plays a significant role in how we are perceived. Universal cues like head tilts, open palms, and visible hands signal warmth and competence. Conversely, closed posture, hidden hands, and avoidant gaze can create negative impressions. The seven universal micro-expressions (fear, disgust, anger, happiness, sadness, surprise, contempt) offer insights into hidden emotions. Recognizing these fleeting facial expressions can help navigate interactions, detect deception, and respond more empathetically. For instance, spotting fear allows for immediate clarification and de-escalation.

NAVIGATING THE DIGITAL AND SOCIAL REALM

In today's digital age, first impressions extend to online profiles and video calls. Profile pictures matter immensely; small tweaks to posture or expression can alter perception. On video calls, always have your camera on and aim for natural backgrounds that provide conversation cues. Prepare anecdotes or interesting facts for common conversational topics to avoid dead ends. When meeting new people, whether online or in person, being a "red apple"—slightly unique but still relatable—helps you stand out positively.

PERSONALITY TRAITS: NATURE VS. NURTURE

While personality traits have a genetic component (42-57% heritable), approximately 30-40% offers potential for change. The "OCEAN" model breaks personalities into openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism. Understanding these traits, in oneself and others, is key to building stronger relationships and teams. For example, high conscientiousness and extroversion are linked to longevity, while high neuroticism can lead to more negative experiences and shorter lifespans if unmanaged.

BUILDING AND MAINTAINING CONNECTIONS

Loneliness and missed opportunities for connection often stem from withholding affection or being overly selective. Challenges like too many options, rigid routines, and even a focus on self-care can impede connection. To foster strong relationships, actively show liking, both verbally (e.g., "This is so fun") and non-verbally (e.g., laughter, leaning in). If finding connections is difficult, focus on activities you enjoy, where meeting people becomes a byproduct, rather than the primary goal, increasing your chances of finding compatibility.

Mentioned in This Episode

●Products

●Software & Apps

●Companies

●Concepts

●People Referenced

Mastering Communication: Do's and Don'ts for Better Connections

Practical takeaways from this episode

Do This

Show warmth through a head tilt, visible hands, and soft smile in profile pictures.

Turn your camera on for online meetings, especially for the first few seconds.

Prepare anecdotes or questions for Zoom calls to avoid awkward silences.

Have a 'story toolbox' with interesting facts or stories for common topics like weather, traffic, and origin.

Angle your body towards others during conversations to signal alignment.

Maintain 60-70% eye contact in Western cultures, especially at the end of a point.

Break conversation scripts by asking 'What's good?' or 'What are you looking forward to?' to spark positive emotions.

Capitalize on 'me too' moments to build serotonin and belonging.

Show how much someone was on your mind for stronger second impressions.

Open dating app conversations with unique words or phrases (e.g., 'Howdy,' 'Bingo').

For leaders, introduce your profession as 'I am a WHO helps' to create hooks for conversation.

Use the word 'because' when asking for things to increase compliance, even with silly reasons.

Amplify your liking verbally ('This is so fun') and non-verbally (laughter, nods, leans).

If you're not naturally funny, be a great audience or a 'curator of funny' by sharing memes/clips.

Consider an improv class or studying funny people to develop humor.

Channel a role model to enhance charisma, vocal variety, and confidence.

Address fear immediately when recognized through a micro-expression by offering clarity or reassurance.

Give permission for honesty if you notice disgust during a conversation.

Redirect anger to shared understanding or mutual goals by stating, 'We are on the same page.'

Look for true happiness in smiles (eyes scrunching authentically) to gauge genuine sentiment.

Offer empathy, compassion, or space when someone shows sadness, or ask, 'Are you upset?' for clarification.

Recognize surprise to understand if someone is genuinely unaware.

Address contempt by opening dialogue and seeking understanding to prevent disrespect.

Trust your 'vibe' about people you meet, as it's often an accurate, subconscious assessment.

For lifelong singles, find activities you love and let meeting people be a side effect.

Avoid This

Avoid checking your phone or looking down during first impressions, as it signals defeat.

Don't wear sunglasses in profile photos, as they create a barrier to connection.

In corporate settings, avoid blurring out or using fake backgrounds in Zoom calls.

Don't start Zoom calls with 'Can you see/hear me?' Make your first impression intentional.

Avoid conversational dead ends like 'How are you?' or 'Where are you from?'

Do not 'dream-kill' conversations by shutting down a topic without offering an alternative.

Don't use numerical questions (e.g., 'How long have you been in Austin?') without a follow-up intention.

Don't call yourself a 'code monkey' or use demeaning terms for your profession.

Don't withhold your liking in friendships or romantic relationships.

Avoid an asymmetrical smile in profile pictures, as it can accidentally signal contempt.

Don't assume neurotypical eye contact is comfortable for neurodivergent individuals.

Common Questions

Research indicates that first impressions are approximately 76% accurate in predicting personality traits like introversion, agreeableness, openness, and conscientiousness, with neuroticism being the hardest to guess. This accuracy means first impressions are lasting and crucial for future interactions.

Topics

First Impressions Non-verbal Cues Personality Traits OCEAN Model Neuroticism Extraversion Conscientiousness Agreeableness Micro-expressions Leadership Communication Relationship Building Digital Communication

Mentioned in this video

tv_showShark Tank

A TV show mentioned as an example where presenters often make the mistake of being too rehearsed, giving a robotic feeling.

personJohn Gottman

A researcher who found that he can predict with 93.6% accuracy if a couple will divorce within 30 years by observing silent videos, particularly if one partner shows contempt.

platformTED Talks

Mentioned as an example of presentations that are liked best when they feel like a smart conversation, rather than being overly scripted.

podcastThe Diary of a CEO

The podcast hosted by Steven Bartlett, where Vanessa Van Edwards is a returning guest.

conceptDRD4 gene

A gene form found in highly open people that gives them an extra load of dopamine when they experience something new, making them seek new experiences.

tv_showDragon's Den

A TV show mentioned alongside Shark Tank for similar presentation mistakes made by entrepreneurs.

toolBotox