How can I become more present to find humor?

To be present and find humor, think small, focusing on tiny details, typos, or unexpected moments. This helps you laugh without denying larger negative realities, as humor can exist alongside pain and frustration.

Why is keeping a list of funny things important?

Keeping a list of things that make you laugh is crucial because we tend to easily remember negative experiences. This list serves as an 'arsenal' to refer back to during tough times, reminding you of genuine moments of joy and amusement.

What is the difference between laughing with someone and laughing at someone?

Laughing with someone involves shared amusement and connection, a supportive act. Laughing at someone, especially when it's hurtful or targets insecurities, can be akin to bullying. The key is kindness and ensuring the laughter uplifts rather than tears down.

How can I teach my children to use humor positively?

Teach children empathy and kindness by showing them that imperfections and unique qualities are gifts, not flaws. Frame mistakes as opportunities for connection and humor, rather than something to be ashamed of. Emphasize that just because something gets a laugh doesn't mean it's kind or right.

Can you train yourself to be funnier or laugh more?

Yes, humor is like a muscle that can be trained through practice and attention. Start by noticing what makes you laugh, keep a list, and consciously look for the odd or unusual. Finding people who align with your sense of humor is also key.

How can humor be used to cope with difficult life events like illness or job loss?

In difficult times, humor can be a vital tool for releasing tension and finding moments of lightness amidst heaviness. While it doesn't fix the underlying problem, small laughs can make getting through the day more bearable and can be a powerful way to connect with others facing similar challenges.

How can leaders use humor effectively without alienating people?

Leaders can use humor through selective vulnerability, not by sharing every fear but by acknowledging uncertainty in a human way. Humor, when used to be relatable and not cruel, can make leaders approachable and inspire openness rather than defensiveness, fostering trust and connection.

Key Moments

Why You Should Keep a List of What Makes You Laugh | Chris Duffy | TED

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People & Blogs5 min read58 min video

May 31, 2026|3,736 views|154|9

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Key Moments

TL;DR

Humor is a powerful tool for presence and connection, but it requires intentional practice and a willingness to embrace imperfection and social risks.

Key Insights

Humor can help navigate negativity without denying it, by focusing on small, absurd details like a funny typo or a misplaced mannequin.

Keeping a 'list of things that make you laugh' can serve as an 'arsenal' to counter difficult times, similar to how watching bird documentaries heightens awareness of bird songs.

A sociological study on dating apps revealed that while women seek a partner to laugh *with*, men often seek someone who laughs *at* their jokes, highlighting a misunderstanding of humor's reciprocal nature.

Laughing at oneself is key to approachability; perfection is intimidating, whereas acknowledging imperfections makes one relatable and creates connection.

The 'benign violation theory' suggests we laugh when something breaks rules in a non-harmful way, like a tickle, but this is context-dependent and requires knowing the person involved.

Humor can be a vital coping mechanism during intense stress or illness, not by fixing the problem, but by releasing tension and providing moments of lightness, as exemplified by the author's experience with his wife's illness.

The three pillars of humor: presence, self-deprecation, and social risk

Comedian Chris Duffy introduces his book 'Humor Me,' structured around three pillars designed to weave more laughter into life: 1. Being Present: Actively noticing the strange, unusual, and absurd details in the world around you. 2. Laughing at Yourself: Recognizing and finding humor in your own quirks and imperfections. 3. Taking Social Risks: Putting yourself out there, even if it means appearing a little absurd or risking being laughed at. Duffy emphasizes that presence is the foundation; if you're not mentally there, you can't truly engage with or appreciate humor.

Finding humor by thinking small and keeping a laughter list

When the 'big picture' of the world feels overwhelming, Duffy advises focusing on 'thinking small.' This involves noticing subtle absurdities, like a typo or a poorly arranged mannequin, which can be funny even amidst larger struggles. He suggests a practical exercise: keeping a list of things that genuinely make you laugh. This list acts as a personal 'arsenal' to draw from during difficult times, counteracting our natural tendency to remember negative experiences more easily. An analogy is drawn to birdwatching; once you tune in to bird songs, you hear them everywhere, much like how actively seeking humor reveals its prevalence in everyday life.

The power of self-deprecation and authentic connection

Duffy challenges the notion that humor is about being the center of attention or appearing perfect. He shares a study indicating women seek partners to laugh with, while men often seek partners who laugh at their jokes, suggesting men may have a more misguided view of humor. True connection comes from authenticity, not flawlessness. People are more drawn to those who admit their imperfections and can laugh at themselves, making them relatable and approachable. This self-deprecating humor, when done kindly, fosters deeper connections than a facade of perfection.

Navigating the line between humor and harm

The conversation addresses the fine line between lighthearted teasing and hurtful bullying. Duffy stresses that laughter itself isn't inherently positive; a group pointing and laughing at someone is not the humor he advocates. He suggests subjective context is key, but advises making jokes about aspects of yourself you are genuinely aware of as flaws or foibles, rather than deep insecurities. When joking about others, the emphasis should be on kindness and observation, allowing the other person to lead and avoiding sensitive areas. He suggests that if one is worried about causing harm, it's safer to be the one laughing *with* others rather than making jokes *at* their expense.

Embracing imperfection as a gift

Humor can be a powerful tool for teachers and parents. Duffy explains that the idea of perfection is often taught very young, but embracing flaws is what truly connects people. In comedy, 'mistakes' and 'weirdness' are seen as gifts, providing the most interesting material. He encourages teaching children that mistakes are opportunities for humor and connection, not failures. This perspective shift helps children understand how to care for others by first learning to care for themselves and valuing their unique qualities.

Taking social risks and stepping outside comfort zones

The third pillar, taking social risks, encourages sharing humor and stepping into unfamiliar territory. For introverts or shy individuals, low-stakes risks might involve trying something new and out of routine, like attending an unusual festival or exploring a quirky shop. Even simple conversations can become more engaging by asking slightly unusual but genuine questions, fostering memorable interactions and potential laughter. These small acts of stepping outside one's comfort zone can lead to unexpected humor and joy.

Humor as a coping mechanism in dark times

Duffy shares a deeply personal story about his wife's prolonged illness, during which humor became a vital tool for coping. While not fixing the underlying pain, finding moments of laughter released tension and provided essential breathing room. He emphasizes that even one small laugh per day can change the tenor of difficult hours. This led them to actively seek out humor, such as watching funny outtakes or contagious laughter videos, to get through challenging periods. This highlights humor's role not in denying hardship, but in making it more bearable.

Finding humor in modern challenges: AI, job loss, and leadership

The discussion extends to applying humor to contemporary issues. For job loss, acknowledging the struggle and finding shared absurdity (e.g., on LinkedIn) can be resilient. In STEM fields facing funding cuts, finding humor in unrelated silly things can provide solace. The academic struggle with AI-generated essays is seen as inherently funny, with Duffy suggesting professors share their authentic concerns with students to foster connection. For leadership, he advocates 'selective vulnerability'—using self-aware humor and acknowledging uncertainty without causing alarm—to inspire change rather than defensiveness.

Mentioned in This Episode

●Software & Apps

●Companies

●Organizations

●Books

●Concepts

●People Referenced

How to Cultivate Humor

Practical takeaways from this episode

Do This

Notice the small, strange, absurd, and unexpected details in the world around you.

Keep a list of things that genuinely make you laugh or smile.

Practice laughing at yourself by acknowledging your imperfections.

Take low-stakes social risks, like trying new experiences or asking unusual questions.

Spend time with people who make you laugh and encourage laughter with others.

Embrace moments of shared laughter as a form of meditation and connection.

Use smiling and laughter as your default in conversations to show enjoyment.

When teaching children, emphasize that mistakes and unique qualities are gifts.

In leadership, use selective vulnerability and humor to appear human and approachable.

Find laughter in challenging situations by acknowledging the absurdity or finding relatable experiences.

Avoid This

Don't deny overwhelming negativity; find humor alongside it.

Don't assume you will remember funny moments; actively record them.

Don't equate humor with seeking attention or being the center of laughter.

Avoid making jokes that are cruel, hurtful, or target insecurities.

Don't try to force humor on others; focus on your own relationship with it.

Be mindful of context and personal boundaries when making jokes about others.

Don't be afraid to look a little absurd sometimes.

Avoid overwhelming people with non-stop talking; allow space for others.

Don't try to be perfect to impress others; imperfections are relatable.

When dealing with grief or serious illness, remember that laughter releases tension, but doesn't fix the problem itself.

Common Questions

Chris Duffy's book outlines three pillars of humor: 1. Being present and noticing the strange and absurd in the world. 2. Laughing at yourself and noticing the absurd in yourself. 3. Taking social risks and being willing to be laughed at.

Topics

Human Performance Mindset & Self-Improvement Creativity & Media Positive Psychology Personal Growth Creative Thinking Communication Skills Emotional Resilience Finding Joy Comedy Writing Laughter Therapy

Mentioned in this video

Media

Good Morning America

Television program where Chris Duffy has appeared.

National Geographic Explorer

Television program where Chris Duffy has appeared.

Wyatt Sax's Problem Areas

HBO television show for which Chris Duffy was a writer.

The Daily Show

Television show where Roy Wood Jr. was a correspondent.

Wrong Answers Only

Streaming game show created and hosted by Chris Duffy.

Listers

A documentary about birding that Chris Duffy recommends.

Blade Runner

Mentioned in the context of the paranoia experienced when grading AI-generated essays.

Companies

ABC News

News organization where Chris Duffy has appeared.

Platform with a community called 'contagious laughter'.

YouTube

Platform where Chris Duffy has watched outtake videos.

Apple

Stock mentioned by Chris Duffy as advice to his younger self for investment.

Professional networking platform where Chris Duffy was permanently banned.

Organizations

NPR

National Public Radio, where Chris Duffy has appeared.

New York Times

Newspaper where investigative reports are published.

University of Colorado Boulder

Institution with a humor research lab called HURL.

TED Audio Collective

Part of TED that produces podcasts like 'How to Be a Better Human'.

LabEx

Partnership with the National Academy of Sciences for the game show 'Wrong Answers Only'.

National Academy of Sciences

Institution partnered with LabEx for the game show 'Wrong Answers Only'.

Museum of Bad Art

A real museum in Boston dedicated to 'art too bad to be ignored'.

People

Chris Duffy

Award-winning comedian, writer, and host of TED's podcast 'How to Be a Better Human'. Author of 'Humor Me: How Laughing More Can Make You Present, Creative, Connected, and Happy'.

Franchesca Hogi

Author whose book 'How to Find True Love' is recommended.

Roy Wood Jr.

Former correspondent for The Daily Show, who stated that comedy is journalism.

Roy Wood Sr.

Pioneering civil rights journalist and father of Roy Wood Jr.

Sarah Kay

Poet who did a 'Poetry RX' segment, inspiring a 'Comedy RX'.

Books

Humor Me: How Laughing More Can Make You Present, Creative, Connected, and Happy

Chris Duffy's new book about the power of humor.

Concepts

Benign Violation Theory

A theory suggesting that humor arises from things that are violations but not harmful.

Software & Apps

Hurl

The Humor Research Lab at the University of Colorado Boulder.

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