Vanessa Van Edwards: The Weird Trick That Makes People Like You

The three levels are: Level 1 (General Traits), focusing on basic facts like where someone is from or what they do; Level 2 (Personal Concerns), delving into motivations, goals, values, and worries; and Level 3 (Self-Narrative), exploring the story someone tells themselves about their life's journey and purpose.

Instead of typical small talk, try 'What was the highlight of your day?', 'Working on anything exciting these days?', or 'Do you have any fun plans coming up?'. These questions encourage positive responses and stories, breaking autopilot conversation.

Connected people collaborate better, and engaged employees work more effectively together. Communication friction, caused by a lack of easy conversation, leads to doubt, lack of psychological safety, poor brainstorming, and information silos, ultimately costing companies money. Easy Level 1 small talk can make meetings more productive and pleasurable.

Dream building, part of Level 2 conversation, involves helping someone uncover and articulate their secret desires, dreams, side hustles, or passions. Questions like 'What have you always wanted to learn?' or 'What is your biggest goal right now?' can evoke these aspirations, giving the person motivation.

Boring questions can be an opportunity to surprise and delight. When asked 'What do you do?', provide a clear label of your profession and then add a 'hook'—a unique aspect or outcome of your work. This creates a curiosity gap and invites further engagement.

Conversational narcissism is when someone dominates a conversation, talking excessively about themselves, often stemming from insecurity or a desire to impress. To address it, one can assertively interject with 'Is it my turn yet?' or ask the person directly if they are curious about your experiences, fostering a sense of mutual engagement.

A contamination narrative frames life events, especially hardships, as insurmountable and leading to victimhood. A redemption narrative, conversely, sees challenges as opportunities for growth and resilience, believing one can overcome anything. People with redemption narratives tend to live longer, have better immune systems, and are happier.

This seemingly casual question can reveal a person's gratitude, life perspective, internal locus of control, and optimism. A quick 'yes' often indicates confidence and agency, while a 'no' might signal a need for deeper understanding without judgment. A hesitant 'kind of' suggests a lack of introspection or a feeling of unsafety.

The five archetypes are: The Ambitious Hero (driven, never satisfied), the Contented Pragmatist (likes stability, values routine), the Selfless Helper (gives endlessly, struggles with boundaries), the Creative Disruptor (challenges norms, thrives on conflict), and the Unlucky Struggler (feels stuck, has a contamination narrative).

Aura or rizz refers to charisma—a quality that makes people want to be around you, listen to you, and work with you. It's cultivated by being easy to talk to, clearly signaling liking, exuding warmth and competence, and taking up physical space with a calm, confident demeanor.

Using one's 'maximum resonance point'—the lowest end of one's natural vocal range—signifies pride and calm, making one sound more confident and easier to listen to. Conversely, a higher-pitched, faster voice can indicate nervousness or a lack of confidence, tuning listeners out.

Good listening involves warmth-signaling cues like nodding, head tilts, and a slight lean forward. Intense focus can also be shown through a 'lower lid flex,' where one hardens their lower eyelids to observe more detail. Responding dynamically to emotional cues and lighting up when someone shares something interesting are also crucial.

Having pre-thought-out, interesting answers for frequently asked questions (like 'What do you do?' or 'Where are you from?') allows you to offer 'gifts' to the other person—stories or anecdotes that make the conversation more engaging and prevent it from becoming a dead end, making you more conversationally generous.