Why is it important to slow down my speech when communicating in difficult situations?

Slowing down your words conveys a sense of control and authority. If you speak too quickly, it can make you sound anxious or lacking confidence. A slower pace, even without emotional tone, signals that you are firm in your stance and not easily swayed, making your message more impactful.

How does using an assertive voice help build confidence?

Confidence isn't something you conjure; it's an outcome of assertive actions. By actively using your assertive voice—being direct and kind without being aggressive or passive—you reinforce that behavior. The more you speak your truth and set boundaries assertively, the more confident you will naturally feel.

What is the common mistake people make that undermines their self-esteem in conversations?

A common mistake is over-apologizing for things that are not errors, like saying 'sorry I'm late' for being a minute behind. This slowly erodes self-worth. Instead, replace unnecessary apologies with words of gratitude, such as 'Thank you for waiting for me,' which reframes the situation positively.

What is Jefferson Fisher's framework for navigating difficult conversations effectively?

Jefferson Fisher's framework involves three steps: 1) State what you want to talk about (e.g., 'I'd like to talk about comments made at the meeting'). 2) State how you want the conversation to end (e.g., 'I want to walk away with the understanding this won't happen again'). 3) Get their buy-in on this frame (e.g., 'Does that sound good?'). This sets clear expectations and reduces anxiety.

Why should I avoid trying to 'win' an argument or prove someone wrong?

If your goal is to win an argument, you often end up losing the relationship. Proving someone wrong might win a point, but it won't keep you company, and you'll likely feel regret later. Instead, view arguments as something to 'unravel' by seeking to understand the other person's perspective, which promotes resolution and preserves the relationship.

How can I better understand the deeper issues behind someone's words?

Use the 'glass analogy': you can't fill a full glass with new liquid. Instead of pushing your point, ask curious, open-ended questions like 'How did you come to believe that?' or 'What are you struggling with right now?'. This encourages them to 'pour out' their thoughts, creating space for your perspective and revealing the 'person behind the words,' not just the surface issue.

What is the best way to deal with someone who is constantly rude or insulting?

Instead of immediately reacting, use silence for 5-7 seconds, then ask them to repeat what they said. If they double down, simply thank them (for showing you who they are). For condescending remarks, ask 'Did you mean for that to sound rude?' or 'How did you want me to respond when you said that?'. This redirects the spotlight onto their intent, denying them the 'dopamine hit' of your emotional reaction.

How can I effectively say 'no' to invitations without offending people or feeling guilty?

Reverse the traditional approach: start with the 'no,' then follow with gratitude and kindness, but *without* providing a detailed reason or excuse. For example, say 'I can't make it this time, but thank you so much for inviting me! Hope it's a great time.' Giving too many reasons creates anxiety and isn't genuine if you simply don't want to go.

Should I try to eliminate verbal filler words like 'um' and 'like' from my everyday speech?

In casual conversation, verbal fillers are generally fine and common. However, for impactful speaking, presentations, or professional settings, you should strive to eliminate them. They can clutter your sentences and make you sound less effective. Great communicators on stage typically undergo training to reduce them.

What is the most important takeaway about the power of words, according to Jefferson Fisher?

What people choose to say has a profound, ripple effect that influences not only present relationships and career paths but also future generations. Simple words can create lasting memories, both positive and negative. Choosing consciously to use kind, assertive, and thoughtful words can transform your entire life experience and create more peace and confidence.

As a parent, what communication principle is crucial for raising children?

The most terrifying thought for parents is their child not coming to them in times of need. To prevent this, actively be a 'safe space.' Say things like, 'Thank you for coming to me with this; I acknowledge you could have talked to someone else.' This invites them into continued conversation and ensures they feel comfortable sharing their struggles with you.

The Speaking Coach: The One Word All Liars Use! Stop Saying This Word, It's Making You Sound Weak!

The Diary Of A CEO

People & Blogs4 min read138 min video

Mar 17, 2025|5,673,074 views|171,789|8,721

The Diary Of A CEO steven bartlett steve bartlett podcast the diary of a CEO podcast life lessons CEO

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Key Moments

TL;DR

Master communication: Speak with control, confidence, and connection to resolve conflict and build relationships.

Key Insights

Effective communication is crucial for success in all areas of life, from careers to relationships.

Controlling your emotional responses through controlled breathing and pauses is key to handling conflict.

Confidence is built through assertive actions, not by trying to conjure a feeling.

Directly stating your truth assertively, without being passive or aggressive, is the balance for effective communication.

Understanding the underlying struggles of others is vital in difficult conversations, moving beyond surface-level interactions.

When dealing with disrespect, use silence, repetition, and questions of intent instead of reacting emotionally.

THE FOUNDATION OF EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

Jefferson Fisher, a trial attorney and communication expert, emphasizes that effective communication is the cornerstone of success in all aspects of life. He argues that one's ability to articulate ideas and handle conflict directly influences career progression, relationship quality, and overall life satisfaction. Poor communication can lead to cyclical problems, dissatisfaction, and a sense of hopelessness, while mastering communication skills can unlock significant personal and professional growth.

CONTROLLING CONVERSATIONS THROUGH CALM AND BREATH

Fisher introduces the concept of 'saying it with control,' which begins with strategic breathing to manage the fight-or-flight response. He advocates for using pauses and a 'conversational breath' – a slow inhale and exhale – to remain calm and analytical during disagreements. This technique not only helps individuals manage their own emotions but also encourages thoughtful responses, signaling active listening and generating intrigue rather than automatic defensiveness in the listener.

BUILDING CONFIDENCE THROUGH ASSERTIVENESS

Confidence, according to Fisher, is not a prerequisite for action but an outcome of assertive behavior. He defines an assertive voice as a balance between passivity and aggression, characterized by directness and honesty without rudeness. True confidence arises from having already spoken assertively and used one's voice, demonstrating that one can state their needs and truths, thereby reinforcing self-worth and establishing personal boundaries.

THE POWER OF WORDS AND CONCISE EXPRESSION

Fisher highlights the profound impact of specific words, particularly cautioning against the overuse of 'just.' This small word can diminish the speaker's assertiveness and make them sound hesitant. The principle of 'saying more with less' is crucial, as excessive wordiness can be perceived as dishonesty. Effective communicators distill complex ideas into concise statements, demonstrating clarity of thought and respect for the listener's time and attention, which is particularly evident in the communication styles of highly successful individuals.

NAVIGATING DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS WITH EMPATHY

When facing difficult conversations, Fisher advises 'saying it to connect' by becoming curious about the other person's perspective. Instead of focusing on winning, the goal is to unravel the issue. This involves setting a clear conversational frame – stating the intention, the desired outcome, and seeking buy-in. He stresses understanding the person behind the words, recognizing their underlying struggles and past experiences, which often influence their present reactions, allowing for deeper empathy and resolution.

STRATEGIES FOR DEALING WITH DISRESPECT AND INSULTS

To handle disrespect and insults, Fisher suggests a 'be like water' approach: employ strategic silence (5-7 seconds), ask the person to repeat their statement, and then thank them. This neutralizes aggressive behavior by not providing the sought-after emotional reaction (dopamine). Asking questions of intent, such as 'Did you mean for that to sound rude?' or 'How did you want me to respond?', shifts the focus from emotion to intent, often prompting self-correction and de-escalation.

THE LONG GAME OF RELATIONSHIPS AND TRUST

Fisher advocates for a long-term perspective in communication, emphasizing that lasting change and trust are not built in a single conversation. Leading with vulnerability, such as admitting one 'could have done better,' is more effective than presenting an image of perfection. This honesty strengthens relationships and builds credibility, as demonstrated by successful leaders who are direct yet empathetic, fostering deeper connections and mutual respect by showing vulnerability.

BOUNDARIES AND THE ART OF SAYING NO

Setting boundaries is essential, and Fisher provides a framework for saying 'no' gracefully. Instead of offering excuses, which can be discovered and undermine sincerity, it's better to directly decline with gratitude, perhaps expressing a hope for future connection. This approach respects oneself and the other person by being truthful and avoiding the emotional energy drain of indecision or fabricated reasons for unavailability.

UNDERLYING STRUGGLES AND TRIGGERING CONVERSATIONS

Fisher explains that 'triggers' often stem from deep-seated past experiences. When someone reacts intensely, it's usually a sign of an underlying struggle, not just a reaction to the current conversation. Instead of engaging with the 'red mist,' it's more effective to create distance, delay the conversation, and approach it with curiosity. Understanding that the person might be reacting to past hurts allows for a more compassionate and effective resolution.

THE CONTINUOUS JOURNEY OF COMMUNICATION IMPROVEMENT

Improving communication is an ongoing process, not a destination. Fisher advises focusing on one specific area for improvement at a time, such as eliminating filler words or over-apologizing. By consistently practicing these small changes and embracing a discipline around one chosen skill, individuals can gradually transform their communication habits, leading to greater effectiveness and confidence over time.

Mentioned in This Episode

●Products

●Software & Apps

●Companies

●Books

●Studies Cited

●Concepts

●People Referenced

Mastering Communication: Do's and Don'ts

Practical takeaways from this episode

Do This

Use physiological sighs (conversational breaths) before responding to keep calm and analytical.

Practice pauses before speaking to show thoughtfulness and increase trust.

Slow down your words to convey control and confidence.

Focus on eliminating fluffy words and adverbs (e.g., 'just', 'essentially', 'basically', 'literally', 'so', 'very').

Begin sentences with assertive words, avoiding hesitant phrases (e.g., 'I need' instead of 'maybe like...').

Replace over-apologizing with words of gratitude (e.g., 'Thank you for your patience' instead of 'Sorry for the delay').

When ending a difficult conversation, set a clear goal and get buy-in from the other person about the desired outcome.

Approach arguments as something to 'unravel' to preserve relationships, rather than to 'win'.

Ask open-ended questions (starting with 'how', 'what', 'when', 'where') to encourage deeper discussion and understanding, especially in small talk and difficult conversations.

Get curious about the 'person behind the words' by asking questions like 'What am I missing?' or 'How did you come to believe that?'

When dealing with someone you don't like, treat them with kindness and limit contact to avoid fueling animosity.

Be mindful of your body language; it communicates as much as words.

Lead difficult conversations with vulnerability, admitting 'I could have said that better' to disarm the other person.

When saying no, start with the 'no' and follow with gratitude and kindness, providing no justification or specific reasons if not necessary.

For Liars, use silence and repetition of their claims to expose inconsistencies and maintain control.

For work and home, never have important conversations when you lack energy (e.g., 10% battery left).

Practice self-awareness by vocalizing your emotional state (e.g., 'I can tell I'm getting defensive').

Be a safe space for your children; invite them into conversations and thank them for coming to you.

Focus on improving one communication rule at a time, rather than trying to fix everything at once.

Avoid This

Don't immediately throw insults back at someone being rude or disrespectful; it escalates conflict.

Don't use verbal fillers like 'just' when trying to be assertive or set boundaries.

Don't use excessive words to explain the truth; it can make you sound less credible.

Don't interrupt or always feel the need to offer your opinion in every discussion; confidence is quiet.

Don't hand out 'remote controls' to your emotions by being easily triggered; set boundaries with 'manuals' instead.

Don't over-apologize for basic things that aren't mistakes; it erodes self-worth.

Don't expect difficult conversations to go exactly as you planned in your head; be adaptable.

Don't push people into conversations on your timeline, especially if they are triggered or not ready.

Don't say 'that hurt' to a rude person; it gives them the dopamine hit they desire. Instead, ask questions about their intent.

Don't use 'terribly sorry' or 'unfortunately' when declining an invitation, unless you are truly sorry for a mistake.

Don't give liars more conversation; use silence and repetition.

Don't hide bad information or object excessively in a formal setting (e.g., courtroom); it can signal distrust to observers.

Common Questions

To stay calm and in control, practice a 'conversational breath' (physiological sigh) before speaking. This engages your analytical brain and prevents fight-or-flight responses. Also, intentionally pause for 5-7 seconds before responding. This creates space, allows you to think, and shows the other person you are listening.

Topics

Interpersonal Relationships Psychological Triggers

Mentioned in this video

bookArgue Less Talk More

Jefferson Fisher's phenomenal book on conversation, teaching people how to argue less and communicate more effectively by emphasizing the power of words.

softwareNHS Website

The National Health Service website in the UK, used as a reference point in a personal anecdote about a friend triggered by being proven wrong about pandemic-related health information.

conceptTherapist

A professional that the host's friend went to for help in resolving deep-seated triggers related to being perceived as 'stupid' from childhood experiences.

eventOJ Simpson Trial

A famous high-profile trial that the host recently watched on Netflix and reflected on in the context of courtroom communication.

eventJohnny Depp Trial

A recent high-profile trial mentioned by Jefferson Fisher, who notes that while popular for drama, it wasn't necessarily an example of exceptional legal communication in his professional opinion.

personDoris Kearns Goodwin

Author of the book 'Team of Rivals,' which details Abraham Lincoln's political strategies and handling of his cabinet.

bookTeam of Rivals

A book by Doris Kearns Goodwin, highly praised by Jefferson Fisher, detailing Abraham Lincoln's approach to leadership and managing political rivals by incorporating them into his cabinet.

softwareAI Tool (for communication feedback)

A tool or service mentioned by Jefferson Fisher that helps users identify and remove 'fluff' (adverbs like 'essentially,' 'basically,' 'literally') from their sentences by inputting text and receiving suggestions for more concise communication.

studyLiverpool University Research

Research that showed wearing Vivo Barefoot shoes for six months can increase foot strength by up to 60%.

productThe Conversation Cards

A product by the Diary of a CEO, consisting of 51 questions split into three levels (warm-up, open-up, deep) designed to challenge, connect, and facilitate deeper conversations in various settings.

toolLinkedIn