Key Moments
Start With “Who?" | Liz Holtzinger | TEDxU Pitt Johnstown
TEDKey Moments
Our life stories are shaped by inherited narratives, others' perceptions, and achievements, but we can reclaim our agency by questioning these stories and choosing who we intend to be.
Key Insights
Life stories can be shaped by inherited narratives, how we interpret them, how others see us, and even our achievements.
At 18, the speaker interpreted her parents' choice of college as a lack of love, a story later revised to acknowledge their practicality and care.
External validation from achievements, like awards or degrees, can become unexamined stories that define one's self-worth.
The speaker's journey involved moving from being defined by an abuser's distorted lens to adopting her own perspective, aided by a healthy relationship.
Choosing descriptive adjectives, such as 'beloved,' 'held,' and 'rooted,' can define who we intend to be, independent of life roles and external conditions.
Reclaiming agency involves questioning the authority of our stories, examining the conditions under which they were written, and choosing who we intend to be before deciding what we will do.
The primary question is not 'what will I do?' but 'who do I intend to be?'
We are often taught from a young age to focus on our future careers and accomplishments, asking ourselves 'what do I want to do with my life?'. However, an even more fundamental question is 'who do I intend to be?'. This question shifts the focus from external roles and achievements to internal qualities and character. It’s about deciding what qualities we want to embody, regardless of our specific position or profession. Before we commit to a major, a career path, or any life direction, examining the stories that already define us—and deciding which ones deserve to hold authority—is crucial. These stories, which shape our understanding of ourselves, can either narrow or widen our possibilities, and all of them warrant careful consideration.
Inherited narratives and their interpretations
The stories we tell ourselves about who we are often stem from inherited narratives, such as family history and expectations. The speaker shares her personal experience of growing up in Altoona, where her family had deep ties to a local university. Her parents expected her to attend, having saved money for her education. Despite her desire to explore different options and leave Altoona, she felt pressured to follow their path. This led her to create a story about her parents' decision: 'They don't love me enough to let me go where I want to go.' This interpretation, born from her youthful desires and feelings of disappointment, became an early narrative that influenced her self-perception, even as she complied with her parents' wishes and attended college.
The impact of external perceptions and distorted lenses
Beyond inherited stories, how others see us and treat us can profoundly shape our self-perception. The speaker illustrates this with a powerful example: a photograph of herself taken by an abusive ex-partner. Initially, an observer might see a confident woman preparing for a bodybuilding competition, proud of her discipline and hard work. However, knowing the context—that the photographer was a controlling and violent partner—radically alters that perception. This highlights how repeatedly being viewed through someone else's distorted lens can lead to internalizing their negative or harmful view of you. The speaker admits that the 'dead' look in her eyes in the photo mirrored her internal feelings, which she never communicated. This experience underscores how external relationships and perceptions, especially abusive ones, can deeply affect one's sense of self-worth and identity.
Achievements as validating stories
Our successes, too, can become powerful narratives that we unthinkingly adopt. The speaker describes keeping 25 years of career evidence—awards, evaluations, letters, and program results. While initially a natural inclination to save proof of good work, these artifacts began to serve another purpose: they became evidence that *she* mattered. An 'A' on a test could morph into 'I'm smart,' a degree into 'I'm successful,' and a title into 'This is who I am.' This process shows how external validation from achievements can become deeply ingrained stories about our identity, sometimes overshadowing a more authentic sense of self that exists independently of accomplishments. These unexamined stories, accumulating from various sources, can lead us to believe our successes are the sole determinants of our worth.
Examining the conditions behind our stories
To critically evaluate the stories that hold authority in our lives, we must examine the conditions under which they were written. This involves asking: What was happening around us? What pressures, resources, or support did we have? These conditions don't determine who we are, but they significantly shape our perspective and the choices that seem possible. Life choices are rarely made in a vacuum; they are accompanied by external factors like time constraints, limited resources, perceived threats, or deeply held beliefs about deservingness. Furthermore, the people around us—the 'other characters in the story'—play a crucial role. Their influence can alter our perceptions, our sense of possibility, and even our beliefs about ourselves. When these conditions change, such as by removing negative influences or adding positive support, our vantage point shifts, allowing us to see old stories and ourselves differently.
Rewriting stories through changed conditions and self-lens
The speaker’s journey illustrates the transformative power of changing conditions and reclaiming one's own lens. After removing herself from an abusive relationship, she found herself in a healthy partnership that offered a different experience of being loved. While her partner couldn't 'do the work' for her, the new conditions created by this healthy relationship provided a different vantage point from which to see herself. This allowed her to recognize truths she hadn't seen before. Revisiting the narrative about her parents' college choice, she now understands their actions through the lens of practicality, financial responsibility, and their belief that they were providing for her out of love. The events themselves didn't change, but her understanding of them did, thanks to altered conditions and her own renewed perspective. This ability to see old stories differently is key to questioning their authority.
Choosing leading adjectives to define 'who I intend to be'
A practical way to choose who we intend to be is by selecting descriptive adjectives that define us beyond our roles and achievements. The speaker suggests exploring the meanings behind one's birth name as a starting point. For her, 'Elizabeth Ann Holtzinger' carries stories of promise, grace, and family heritage. She chose to lead with the meaning 'I am full of grace and I am a promise to God,' translating this into adjectives like 'beloved,' 'held,' and 'rooted.' These words describe her intended identity, independent of her occupation or external circumstances. 'Beloved' signifies worthiness of love, 'held' indicates support and the ability to receive help, and 'rooted' means knowing where she stands and to whom she belongs. These chosen adjectives don't manufacture her worth but name truths she intends to live from, informing her 'yes' and 'no' decisions and guiding her actions within any condition.
Leading with intention: finding your feet
Ultimately, leading a life with intention means choosing who you intend to be *before* deciding what you are going to do. It involves spotting the stories that have shaped you, questioning them by examining their underlying conditions, and ultimately finding your feet—your stable ground of self. While you cannot control every external circumstance or how others perceive you, you can choose your conditions carefully. The right conditions can offer a new vantage point without compromising your agency. You retain the power to decide which stories deserve authority and who you intend to be as you navigate them. By starting with 'who'—identifying your core qualities and chosen adjectives—you can then live the verbs of your life with purpose and authenticity. The speaker concludes by noting the cyclical nature of her journey, returning to Pitt 37 years later, with updated conditions and an updated story, embodying her chosen identity of being beloved, held, and rooted.
Mentioned in This Episode
●Products
●Software & Apps
●Companies
●People Referenced
Leading Your Life: Key Questions and Actions
Practical takeaways from this episode
Do This
Avoid This
Common Questions
The most important question to ask is not 'What do I want to do with my life?', but 'Who do I intend to be?'. This focuses on the qualities and character you want to embody, rather than just a role or profession.
Topics
Mentioned in this video
More from TEDx Talks
View all 137 summaries
24 minThe Ripple Effect | Aman Johri | TEDxJBCN Intl School Oshiwara
21 minTedxGGI : A.D.D. — Audacity, Drive, Delusion. | Deeya Shah | TEDxGGI
22 minTedxGGI : Beyond Aptitude: The Architecture of Peak Performance | Sony Goyal | TEDxGGI
27 minWhat if your pain has a purpose? | Dr. Sunita Punjabi, PhD | TEDxButterfish Cove
Ask anything from this episode.
Save it, chat with it, and connect it to Claude or ChatGPT. Get cited answers from the actual content — and build your own knowledge base of every podcast and video you care about.
Get Started Free