What are the two core jobs of good parenting, according to Dr. Becky Kennedy?

The two core jobs are setting boundaries and providing empathy/validation. Boundaries are actions you will take that require nothing from the other person, keeping you connected to your values and keeping a child safe. Empathy and validation involve seeing another person's feelings as real, without necessarily condoning their behavior.

How do you set an effective boundary with a child, such as turning off the TV?

Instead of making a request ('Turn off the TV'), a boundary is a statement of what you, the parent, will do. For instance, 'By the time I get over there, if you haven't turned off the TV, I will take the remote and shut it off.' This shifts responsibility back to the parent and prevents expecting the child to do the parent's job.

Why are rewards and punishments often ineffective in parenting?

Dr. Kennedy argues that rewards and punishments are based on an assumption of behavioral control, rather than trusting a child's inherent goodness. They don't build generalizable skills and can lead to children only performing tasks when bribed, creating an unhealthy cycle where identity becomes tied to behavior and trust is eroded.

How does saying 'I believe you' help a child's confidence?

The phrase 'I believe you' makes a child feel 'real' by validating their internal experience and feelings, even if you don't agree with their actions. This fosters self-trust, which Dr. Kennedy defines as true confidence. It prevents children from learning that others are better judges of their feelings than they are.

How should parents repair their relationship with a child after yelling or a conflict?

First, parents should repair with themselves by separating their identity from their behavior (e.g., 'I'm a good parent who is having a hard time'). Then, a simple but effective apology is 'I'm sorry I yelled. It's never your fault when I yell.' This should come from a place of giving an experience to the child, not seeking their forgiveness, and can be offered in a way that respects the child's feelings if they push back.

What is the most effective way to address rudeness or 'I hate you' from a child?

The most underutilized strategy is often doing nothing initially, allowing the child's words to 'sit' between you without an immediate, reactive response. This gives the child space to reflect. Alternatively, you can say, 'Whoa, clearly you're disappointed, I get that, and I know there's another way you can say that to me.' The goal is to separate the feeling from the behavior and model emotional regulation.

What are 'deeply feeling kids' and how should parents handle their intense emotions?

Deeply feeling kids are 'super sensors' who experience emotions (both positive and negative) more intensely and are more porous to their environment. Parents should act as a 'sturdy leader,' equally firm and warm, by providing clear boundaries and containing their child's emotional outbursts (e.g., moving to a smaller room). A key message for them is 'I am not scared of your feelings' as they often fear being 'too much.'

How can parents manage co-parenting differences or disagreements about parenting styles?

If there's no abuse, focus on helping your child understand and process their experience rather than centering on what the other co-parent is 'doing wrong.' You can validate your child's confusion, explain the other parent's patterns without judgment, and assure them you are a safe adult to talk to. For aligning with a partner, gently insist on discussing parenting approaches as a core relationship issue, not just a parenting one.

How can parents help energetic kids or those with ADHD-like tendencies channel their energy constructively?

Instead of suppressing energy, be a 'channel, not a dam.' Work 'with' the child, not against them, by telling them what they 'can' do. For example, if homework is difficult, suggest 'heavy work' or running outside first. This helps them work with their urges and develop self-regulation skills.

Why is it crucial for children to tolerate frustration, and how can parents facilitate this?

Learning fundamentally involves a 'learning space' that is inherently frustrating. If children are always rescued from frustration, they learn that mindlessness and zero effort lead to dopamine, hindering the development of circuits needed for sustained effort. Parents can facilitate this by purposefully inserting frustration into their child's life (e.g., letting them struggle with a puzzle, doing boring errands) and validating the feeling of frustration as normal and necessary for growth.

What are the critical needs of adolescents and teenagers?

Teens' primary developmental job is to separate from parents and form their own identity, often involving 'overcorrection' and distance. Parents need to prepare for a sense of loss during this period. Teens still need a 'home base' and consistent bids for connection, even if they outwardly reject them.

What should parents prioritize: the couple's relationship or the children?

Parents must own that their relationship with their child is important but not 'all of me.' Prioritizing the couple's relationship models healthy boundaries and self-care, making parents more 'sturdy leaders.' Studies show having even one sturdy leader in a child's life is massively protective. Kids don't benefit from perfectly attuned caregivers; they need parents who can rupture and repair authentically.

When should parents seek additional professional help for Wayward teens?

Signs include impact on overall functioning (e.g., grades dropping, disengagement from activities), a significantly narrowed world, and increased conflict in the home that prevents effective communication. Seeking help is a sign of health, not failure. Parents must act as the 'pilot' in severe situations, making tough decisions out of love and safety, even if the teen protests.

How does Dr. Becky Kennedy define 'entitlement,' and how can parents prevent it?

Entitlement is defined as the 'fear of frustration.' It develops when children consistently learn that frustration leads to an immediate exit provided by someone else. To prevent it, parents should purposefully dose frustration (e.g., letting kids do chores, experience boredom on errands) and teach them that 'just because I can, doesn't mean I will' always make things easy for them.

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Protocols for Excellent Parenting & Improving Relationships of All Kinds | Dr. Becky Kennedy

Andrew Huberman

Science & Technology9 min read175 min video

Feb 26, 2024|1,798,002 views|25,448|1,364

andrew huberman huberman lab podcast huberman podcast dr. andrew huberman neuroscience huberman lab andrew huberman podcast the huberman lab podcast science podcast dr. becky kennedy clinical psychologist parenting strategies

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TL;DR

Dr. Becky Kennedy discusses actionable parenting protocols applicable to all relationships, focusing on sturdiness, boundaries, and empathy.

Key Insights

Sturdiness in relationships means being connected to yourself and others simultaneously, balancing personal values with external connection.

Effective parenting (and leadership) revolves around two core jobs: setting clear boundaries and demonstrating empathy and validation.

Boundaries are actions *you* will take, not requests for others, ensuring your values are maintained and children feel safe and contained, not controlled.

True rewards come from internal pride and the development of competence, not external incentives or punishments, which can undermine intrinsic motivation and self-identity.

Validating a child’s feelings by saying "I believe you" fosters self-trust and confidence, acknowledging their internal experience as real without necessarily agreeing with their behavior or dictating outcomes.

Trauma is not just events but how they are processed; events with high emotionality processed in isolation become traumatic, emphasizing the need for repair and connection to a safe adult.

Adolescent rebellion is often a developmentally normal process of identity formation and separation, but can be exacerbated by prior relationships built on behavioral control rather than sturdy connection.

"Deeply feeling kids" experience emotions and sensory input more intensely, requiring different parenting approaches that prioritize warmth and firm boundaries, reassuring them that their feelings are tolerable and they are loved.

THE ESSENCE OF STURDY RELATIONSHIPS

Dr. Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist specializing in parent-child relationships, introduces the concept of "sturdiness" as the cornerstone of healthy relating. Sturdiness is defined as the ability to remain connected to oneself—one's values, wants, and needs—while simultaneously connecting to another person, even if their needs or values differ. This balance prevents codependency and fosters a sense of individual identity within a shared relationship. Andrew Huberman emphasizes that this applies to all relationships, not just parent-child dynamics, highlighting its importance as a pillar of mental and physical health.

THE TWO JOBS OF PARENTING: BOUNDARIES & EMPATHY

Kennedy outlines two fundamental jobs for parents: setting boundaries and offering empathy and validation. Boundaries are actions a parent will take that require nothing from the child; they protect a parent's values and ensure a child's safety. Empathy and validation involve acknowledging a child's feelings and experiences as real, even if disagreeing with their behavior. These two aspects are not at odds but are partners in creating a sturdy leader and a healthy relationship, ensuring children feel both contained and understood, which is crucial for emotional regulation.

REDEFINING BOUNDARIES: ACTIONS VERSUS REQUESTS

A common misconception about boundaries is treating them as requests. Kennedy clarifies that a true boundary is what *you* will do, not what you demand the other person do. For example, instead of telling a child to turn off the TV, a boundary is stating, "If you haven't turned off the TV by the time I get there, I will turn it off." This approach ensures the parent retains agency and leadership, especially when children lack the skills to inhibit urges themselves. This applies to adult relationships too; a boundary with an intrusive in-law might be, "If you come unannounced, I will tell you this isn't a good time and close the door."

THE PROBLEM WITH REWARDS AND PUNISHMENTS

Kennedy challenges the traditional use of rewards and punishments, arguing they are based on a flawed assumption that children are inherently bad or need to be externally controlled. Instead, she posits that children are inherently good but lack the skills to manage their intense emotions. Punishing behavior, which is often a manifestation of unskilled emotional expression, doesn't teach skills. Rewards, while seemingly positive, can create a cycle where children expect external incentives for basic human responsibilities, leading to a focus on external validation rather than internal motivation and skill development. The goal should be to foster a child's intrinsic desire to contribute and feel capable.

CULTIVATING SELF-WORTH THROUGH PURPOSE AND BELIEF

Children, like adults, crave purpose and the feeling of making an impact. Instead of incentivizing chores, Kennedy suggests framing them as essential contributions to the family team. When children are not meeting expectations, a parent can assume the most generous interpretation—that something is getting in their way—and collaboratively find solutions. Crucially, fostering confidence comes from the experience of being believed. Saying "I believe you" to a child's expressed feelings, even when they seem trivial or outsized, validates their internal reality and helps them build self-trust, which is the foundation of true confidence.

REPAIR AND THE DANGER OF ALONENESS: UNDERSTANDING TRAUMA

Trauma is not merely an event but how an event is processed; high-emotionality events processed in aloneness can become traumatic. If a parent yells, the event itself is less damaging than the lack of repair. Children cannot rationalize a parent's "bad day"; they instead internalize the blame, fearing their primary attachment figure is unsafe. Effective repair, beginning with a parent repairing with themselves (e.g., "I'm a good parent having a hard time"), involves acknowledging the harm without blaming the child. Simple apologies like, "I'm sorry I yelled, it's never your fault when I yell," help children process the event in connection rather than aloneness, preventing self-blame and fostering safety.

NAVIGATING RUDENESS AND DISRESPECT

When faced with rudeness, children (and adults) often express deeper feelings, such as disappointment or hurt, in aggressive ways like "I hate you." Kennedy advises not to take these words literally but to understand the underlying emotion. An effective strategy is often to do nothing initially, which allows the child to process their outburst without an immediate counter-reaction. Alternatively, a parent can acknowledge the underlying feeling ("Clearly you're disappointed") and set a boundary about communication ("I know there's another way you can say that"). The goal is to help the child differentiate their feelings from their behavior, fostering emotional regulation over time.

ADDRESSING FEAR AND WALKING ON EGGSHELLS

Parents who fear their child's emotional outbursts or potential negative outcomes often "walk on eggshells," inadvertently making children feel unsafe. Children crave sturdy leadership and become terrified when their primary caregivers are easily swayed by their emotional states. For "deeply feeling kids" who experience and express emotions intensely, this dynamic can lead to a cycle of escalation and invalidation. Parents must be equally firm and warm, setting boundaries while communicating unconditional love and a belief in the child's ability to cope. This conveys a message of protection and safety, reassuring children that their big feelings won't overwhelm their parents or dictate family life.

EMPOWERING DEEPLY FEELING KIDS

Deeply feeling kids, often described as "super sensors," experience the world and their emotions with heightened sensitivity. While this can manifest in intense negative expressions, it also correlates with a capacity for immense love, joy, and empathy. The challenge lies in helping them feel safe enough to access these positive expressions without being overwhelmed by shame or fear of abandonment. Parents, particularly of these children, often need to adjust their approaches, finding "side doors" to connection rather than direct confrontation, reassuring them that their intensity is not "too much" and that their feelings are tolerable within a loving, boundaried relationship.

ALIGNING CO-PARENTING STRATEGIES

In co-parenting situations, especially across different households, children are adept at noticing discrepancies. Instead of criticizing the other parent's approaches, Kennedy advises focusing on the child's experience. For instance, if a child describes a differing discipline method from another parent, the listening parent should validate the child's confusion and help them process their feelings, emphasizing that they are a safe person to talk to. While long-term alignment is ideal, the immediate priority is to prevent the child from feeling alone in their experience. If a co-parent is unwilling to discuss strategies or commit to shared understanding, it becomes a core relationship issue, not solely a parenting one.

FOSTERING FRUSTRATION TOLERANCE

In an increasingly instant-gratification world, children's capacity to tolerate frustration is diminishing, which Kennedy identifies as a critical concern. The instant nature of entertainment and services reduces the "learning space"—the period between not knowing how to do something and successfully doing it. Parents must actively reintroduce frustration into their children's lives through mundane chores, delayed gratification, or allowing them to struggle with challenging tasks. This helps children build mental circuits for effort-based success and resilience, teaching them that frustration is a normal and necessary part of growth, not something to be immediately escaped.

THE DEFINITION OF ENTITLEMENT: FEAR OF FRUSTRATION

Kennedy redefines entitlement not as material greed, but as the "fear of frustration." Children who are consistently shielded from frustration, often by well-meaning parents or abundant resources, learn that frustration is terrifying and will always be alleviated by an external force. This creates an intolerance for any discomfort, manifesting as demanding or explosive behavior when expectations are not met. Overcoming entitlement involves deliberately exposing children to small, manageable frustrations, allowing them to experience and cope with discomfort, thereby building resilience and a healthier relationship with effort and unmet desires.

THE IMPORTANCE OF PARENTAL SELF-CARE AND BOUNDARIES WITH CHILDREN

Parents need to prioritize their own needs and maintain boundaries in their relationship with their children. Failing to do so can lead to parental burnout, resentment, and even rage. A parent's relationship with their child should be an important part, but not the entirety, of their identity. Demonstrating that parents have their own lives, relationships, and needs (e.g., going out without children, pursuing personal interests) actually makes children feel safer, as it models healthy adult functioning and reinforces that the parent is a sturdy leader, not someone entirely consumed by the child's demands. This ensures the parent can show up as their best self.

BEING A STURDY, IMPERFECT ROLE MODEL

Children are "expert noticers" and learn by observing their parents' relationships and behaviors. While growing up in a generally affectionate and responsible home is a privilege, perfection is neither attainable nor healthy for children to witness. Instead, parents should model authentic connection, respectful communication, and responsible repair after conflicts. If fights or disagreements occur, parents should acknowledge them to their children, explaining that it was not okay but still within the context of a loving relationship. This teaches children that mistakes are part of life, and what matters is how one takes responsibility and repairs connections, rather than striving for an impossible ideal.

ADDRESSING WAYWARD TEENS AND SEEKING SUPPORT

Adolescence is a period of intense developmental change, and while typical teenage behavior involves separation and identity formation, extreme withdrawal, destructive habits (e.g., substance use), or violence indicate a need for professional intervention. Parents should assess the impact on overall functioning (e.g., grades, social life, engagement) and the degree of conflict in the home. Critically, seeking outside help is a sign of strength and love, not failure. When a teen resists therapy, a parent must prioritize their safety over their happiness, assertively communicating, "My number one job is to keep you safe, not to keep you happy with me. I love you too much to let you avoid the help you need."

Mentioned in This Episode

●Supplements

●Products

●Software & Apps

●Companies

●Organizations

●Books

●People Referenced

Parenting Protocols: Empowering Your Child and Self

Practical takeaways from this episode

Do This

Define your job as a parent: set boundaries and provide empathy/validation.

Set boundaries by stating what you WILL do, not demanding behavior from others.

Believe your child's feelings, even if you don't agree with their behavior ('I believe you').

Separate 'bad behavior' from a child's 'good identity' (e.g., 'you're a good kid having a hard time').

Teach children to tolerate frustration, as it's essential for learning and life skills.

Offer realistic apologies that express personal accountability, not blame (e.g., 'I'm sorry I yelled, it's never your fault').

Address underlying emotional pain, especially in situations where a child expresses rudeness or hate.

For 'deeply feeling kids,' acknowledge their heightened sensitivity and provide containment, making them feel safe.

Help children lengthen their 'learning space' by tolerating frustration when attempting new tasks.

Encourage children to explore multiple mentors and sources of influence outside the immediate family.

Model healthy self-boundaries by tending to your own needs outside of caregiving.

For teens, understand their need to separate for identity formation, while still offering consistent bids for connection and a 'home base.'

When co-parenting, focus on processing the child's experience with them rather than immediately intervening with the other parent's methods.

For Wayward teens, assess impact on overall functioning and seek additional professional support when necessary, framing it as an act of love and safety.

Integrate small, consistent moments of frustration and responsibility (chores, errands) into daily life.

Reflect on your emotional stance towards your relationship with self: allow yourself to want things, and set boundaries against destructive emotional spirals.

Avoid This

Don't confuse boundaries with requests; a boundary is something you do, not something you ask another person to do.

Avoid punishments or rewards that manipulate behavior, as they undermine intrinsic motivation and trust.

Don't dismiss or invalidate a child's feelings, as this teaches them to distrust their own internal experience.

Avoid constantly 'rescuing' children from frustration, as it fosters entitlement and an inability to cope with discomfort.

Don't allow a child's feelings to dictate family decisions or boundaries; they are distinct aspects of parenting.

Don't avoid addressing difficult topics or conflicts with children; instead, name them and process them together.

Don't let parental guilt prevent you from repairing with your child after an emotional outburst.

Avoid responding to rude comments with equal negativity; doing nothing or calmly validating disappointment can be more effective.

Don't walk on eggshells around intense children, as this can be terrifying for them and lead to a sense of unchecked power.

Don't assume children should not experience disappointment; disappointment is a normal, healthy emotion to learn to regulate.

Don't enable a teen's destructive choices by allowing them to dictate their own interventions (e.g., refusing therapy).

Avoid taking your child's rejection of your efforts (e.g., ripping up a note) as a final sign of disinterest; persistence can be key.

Don't feel pressured to be 'everything' for your child; allow for other healthy mentors or relationships in their lives.

Common Questions

Dr. Kennedy defines 'sturdiness' as the ability to be connected to yourself (your values, wants, needs) and to someone else (their different wants and needs) at the same time. It's about maintaining your self while connecting empathetically to others, forming the basis of sturdy leadership and healthy relationships.

Topics

Learning & Education Frustration Tolerance Empathy In Relationships Mental Health & Psychology Setting Boundaries Adolescent Development Child Psychology Parenting Skills Emotional Regulation Relationships & Communication Child Development Family Dynamics

Mentioned in this video

People

Alan Adler

An engineer at Stanford who developed the Aeropress and the Aerobie frisbee.

Ronald Fairbairn

Psychoanalyst whose quote 'it is better to be a sinner in a world ruled by God than to live in a world ruled by the devil' is used to explain child development and attachment.

Lisa Feldman Barrett

A world expert in emotions, previously a guest on the Huberman Lab podcast, who discussed how nuanced language for emotions leads to better emotion tolerance.

James Hollis

A Jungian psychologist whose lectures on making a life are considered a mentorship source by Andrew Huberman.

Andrew Huberman

Host of the Huberman Lab podcast and a professor of neurobiology and ophthalmology at Stanford School of Medicine.

Becky Kennedy

Clinical psychologist specializing in parent-child relationships, author of 'Good Inside,' and founder of an online learning platform. She is the guest on this podcast.

Gabor Maté

Mentioned for his definition of trauma: 'it's not what happens to you, it's what happens inside of you,' emphasizing the internal processing of events.

Companies

Blockbuster

A former video rental store used as an analogy to illustrate the increased delay and frustration involved in obtaining media in the past, contrasting it with modern instant gratification.

Netflix

An streaming service used to illustrate the instant gratification available today, contrasting it with past experiences like Blockbuster.

Roblox

A gaming platform mentioned as an example of a reward that might disconnect from the intrinsic motivation for good behavior.

Joovv

A company that makes medical-grade red light therapy devices, which Andrew Huberman uses the handheld device daily and a full-body panel five times per week.

InsideTracker

A personalized nutrition platform that analyzes blood and DNA data to help individuals understand their body and reach health goals. Andrew Huberman recommends it.

Matéina

A company that makes loose-leaf and ready-to-drink yerba mate, which Andrew Huberman is a partial owner of and consumes daily.

Organizations

Duke University

Where Dr. Becky Kennedy received her degrees and did a portion of her training.

Columbia University

Where Dr. Becky Kennedy received her degrees and did a portion of her training in New York.

Supplements

Yerba mate

A drink known for regulating blood sugar, high antioxidant content, improved digestion, and possible neuroprotective effects, as well as mood and focus.

Products

Aeropress

A coffee maker similar to a French press, developed by Stanford engineer Alan Adler, praised for making better-tasting coffee and its portability.

Aerobie

A type of frisbee built by Stanford engineer Alan Adler.

Media

The Toy

A 1980s movie about a child who is given everything and then asks for a person, described as a 'dreadful concept' that illustrates extreme entitlement.

Software & Apps

Good Inside

An online learning platform created by Dr. Becky Kennedy providing parenting skills grounded in Clinical Psychology.

Red Light and Near-Infrared Light Therapy

A therapy shown to have positive effects on muscle recovery, skin health, wound healing, acne reduction, pain/inflammation, mitochondrial function, and even vision.

Books

Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

The bestselling book authored by Dr. Becky Kennedy, providing guidance for parents.

Locations

Wall Street

A movie mentioned by Andrew Huberman that depicts unchecked desire and its destructive consequences, relating to the discussion about entitlement and insatiable wants.

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