How common is low libido and what are its causes?

Low libido is very common and not a fixed concept; it is context-dependent and changes across relationships. Causes often include the shift from the novelty and excitement of a new relationship to routine, stress, anxiety, health conditions, mental health issues, lack of personal space, and distractions from technology.

How can couples keep their sexual relationship fresh and exciting over many years?

Keeping sex fresh involves acknowledging that it changes over time and that the 'honeymoon period' doesn't last forever. It requires consciously carving out time and effort, and making small, accessible changes in routine, such as varying lights, clothes, using lubricants, or trying sex toys. The key is to be intentional, rather than expecting spontaneity.

Is sexual incompatibility a real thing in relationships?

Yes, sexual incompatibility can exist. While couples can often negotiate and manage different interests and preferences, some might have deal-breakers that they cannot meet for each other. Physical compatibility, beyond desire and experimentation, can also be a factor, even if very difficult to discuss.

What is asexuality and how does it relate to relationships?

Asexuality is an identity where individuals do not experience sexual attraction. Importantly, this does not mean they cannot have successful relationships, as they can still experience deep connection, friendship, and intimacy. Asexuality is distinct from aromanticism.

What is the true purpose or role of sex beyond procreation?

Research shows there are hundreds of motivations for sex, with the majority not related to procreation. Sex is primarily about pleasure, connection, expressing intimacy, and feeling close to a partner. Focusing on it as a goal-oriented activity (e.g., strictly for orgasm) can lead to feelings of failure and performance anxiety.

Why do some people struggle to orgasm while others find it easy?

The ability to orgasm is influenced by a combination of factors, including early messages about sex, shame, embarrassment, and individual learning about one's body and preferences. A lack of comprehensive sex education that historically leaves out pleasure, especially female pleasure, also contributes to difficulties.

How can one give constructive feedback about sex to a partner without causing offense?

Feedback should ideally be given outside of the sexual moment, leading with a positive affirmation of the relationship. Frame the conversation as a shared venture, focusing on what 'I' like or what 'we' can work on together, rather than using 'you' statements that sound critical or accusatory. This fosters openness instead of defensiveness.

Is there a 'healthy' or average amount of sex couples should have?

The concept of a 'healthy' amount of sex is a 'red herring' as regularity doesn't determine satisfaction or enjoyment. What's 'normal' varies greatly for each couple, depending on their circumstances, desires, and whether their needs feel met. Focusing on satisfaction and connection rather than frequency is more important.

How do modern societal norms and perceived choice impact relationships?

The modern world, with its high perceived choice (e.g., dating apps), can make it harder to sustain relationships through difficult times, as people might constantly think the 'grass is greener'. Additionally, traditional norms like marriage are being re-examined, leading to a desire for more bespoke and flexible relationship models.

Are entrepreneurs more prone to relationship struggles due to their professional mindset?

Yes, entrepreneurs, particularly CEOs, often cultivate behaviors like efficiency, impatience, and prioritizing work, which are beneficial professionally. However, these operating systems can clash with the demands of personal relationships, which require compromise, patience, and doing things for the sake of connection rather than outcome, leading to struggles in transitioning between work and personal life.

Key Moments

World Leading Sex Therapist: How To Avoid Having Bad Sex: Kate Moyle | E73

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Key Moments

TL;DR

Sex therapist Kate Moyle discusses common sexual challenges, communication, libido, and maintaining intimacy.

Key Insights

Sexual challenges and low libido are common and context-dependent, not permanent flaws.

Open communication and reframing expectations are crucial for a healthy sex life.

Pornography can be misleading; focus on pleasure and individual needs, not performance.

Asexuality is an identity, distinct from lack of experience or sexual anxiety.

Strategies like changing one small thing regularly can keep sex exciting.

Unrealistic expectations, often fueled by media, are a major cause of relationship issues.

THE REALITY OF SEXUAL CHALLENGES AND DESIRE

The conversation begins by normalizing sexual difficulties, with host Steve and therapist Kate Moyle sharing personal anecdotes. Moyle emphasizes that desire is not a fixed concept but context-dependent and responsive. Low libido is common and often stems from routine, stress, or relationship dynamics, rather than an individual's inherent flaw. She stresses that expecting sex to remain constantly ignited without conscious effort is unrealistic and a common source of anxiety.

THE POWER OF COMMUNICATION AND REFRAMING EXPECTATIONS

A recurring theme is the critical role of communication in addressing sexual issues. Moyle highlights that assumptions and the gap between expectations and reality are significant problems. Instead of internalizing rejection or confusion, couples need to move towards explanation and understanding. Reframing sex as something that requires effort and attention, much like other aspects of life, is essential for keeping it exciting and fulfilling.

DEBUNKING MYTHS AROUND PORN AND SEXUAL NORMS

The discussion delves into the impact of pornography, with analogies comparing learning about sex from porn to learning to drive from action movies. Moyle points out that porn is not designed as an educational tool and often perpetuates unrealistic or skewed representations of sexuality, particularly regarding female pleasure. She notes the rise of female-focused platforms aiming to address these gaps and advocates for understanding sexuality as diverse and personal, moving beyond historical gendered narratives.

EXPLORING SEXUAL INCOMPATIBILITY AND INDIVIDUALITY

Sexual incompatibility is acknowledged as a possibility, similar to other areas of life. Moyle suggests that while differences can be negotiated and managed, some incompatibilities might be deal-breakers for certain individuals. She advises focusing on what works for each couple, rather than striving for a non-existent ideal of perfect sexual matching. The concept of asexuality is also clarified as an identity characterized by a lack of sexual attraction, distinct from low libido or sexual anxiety.

STRATEGIES FOR MAINTAINING SEXUAL EXCITEMENT

To keep sexual relationships fresh, Moyle suggests small, actionable changes such as altering routines, trying new things, or focusing on different aspects of intimacy. She advises against viewing the need for effort as a sign of a problem, distinguishing this from the spontaneous portrayals often seen in media. The idea of 'changing one thing every time' empowers individuals to actively contribute to their sexual satisfaction and break monotony.

THE MOTIVATIONS BEHIND SEXUAL ACTIVITY AND THE ROLE OF MARRIAGE

The conversation explores the multifaceted reasons for human sexual activity, highlighting that procreation is rarely the primary driver. Many motivations center around connection, pleasure, and emotional intimacy. Regarding marriage, Moyle suggests that while it historically provided security, contemporary views are becoming more bespoke and flexible. She emphasizes that the success of a relationship isn't solely defined by its duration but by its value to the individuals involved, advocating for informed choices about commitment and partnership models.

ADDRESSING PERFORMANCE ANXIETY AND GIVING FEEDBACK

Performance anxiety is identified as a significant issue, particularly for men, where stress can hinder arousal. Moyle explains that the body's fight-or-flight response is incompatible with sexual activity. Constructive feedback in relationships is best delivered by focusing on what is liked rather than what is disliked, framing suggestions positively and collaboratively. This approach avoids defensiveness and encourages open dialogue about preferences and needs.

BUILDING SEXUAL CONFIDENCE AND INFORMED CHOICES

Sexual self-confidence is largely internal, stemming from self-knowledge and informed choices. Moyle stresses the importance of understanding anatomy, preferences, and effective communication strategies. She recommends resources like the Kinsey Institute's OMGs platform for educational content, which can empower individuals to make better sexual decisions. Ultimately, improving sexual well-being involves fostering a positive relationship with oneself and translating that into open dialogues with partners.

Mentioned in This Episode

●Products

●Software & Apps

●Companies

●Organizations

●Books

●Concepts

●People Referenced

Improving Sexual & Relationship Wellness: Key Strategies

Practical takeaways from this episode

Do This

Acknowledge that sex lives and relationships evolve and are impacted by life's stresses.

Consciously carve out time, space, and effort to nurture sexual intimacy, rather than expecting it to be spontaneous.

Change one small thing every time to break routine and encourage desire (e.g., lighting, clothing, trying a sex toy, changing location in the room).

Communicate openly and honestly with partners, especially outside the bedroom, leading with positives and using 'I say' statements.

Educate yourself on sexual wellness and your own body's preferences to build sexual self-confidence.

Accept that relationships take work, adaptation, and compromise, rather than expecting them to always stay the same.

Avoid This

Assume sex should always be spontaneous or effortlessly exciting, influenced by media portrayals like movies or porn.

View pornography as an educational tool for sexual acts or expectations for your own sex life.

Isolate sexual problems or assign blame to one partner; approach challenges as a shared venture.

Let fear of judgment, offending a partner, or making things worse prevent open discussions about sexual preferences or difficulties.

Be goal-oriented with sex (e.g., solely focused on orgasm or completion), as this can create performance anxiety and hinder pleasure.

Hold unrealistic expectations for a partner to meet every single one of your needs, recognizing that other relationships (family, friends) also contribute.

Common Questions

Unrealistic expectations are identified as the single biggest killer of relationships in the modern age. Often, people expect their partners to meet every single one of their needs, influenced by idealized portrayals in media, leading to disappointment and perceived failure.

Topics

Mental Health & Psychology Human Performance Relationships & Communication Relationship Dynamics Performance Anxiety Communication Skills Sexual Wellness Sexual Anxiety Sexual Compatibility Marriage And Commitment Sexual Pleasure

Mentioned in this video

Companies

Fiverr

An online marketplace for freelance services, which the host uses frequently for website building, design, video editing, and subtitles, and also sponsors the podcast.

Huel

A nutritionally complete food product that the host uses and believes helps improve his energy, sleep, and mental cognition, serving as a podcast sponsor.

Instagram

A social media platform where Kate Moyle can be found under the handle @katemoyaltherapy.

SpaceX

Mentioned by the host as a company associated with Elon Musk, which he follows as part of his passions, highlighting his work-centric and self-absorbed nature.

Lelo

A luxury sex play brand for which Kate Moyle is the UK sex expert, involved in creating sexual wellness-focused projects and products.

People

Elon Musk

Mentioned by the host as someone whose work (SpaceX) he follows, indicating his deep engagement with his passions and work.

Kate Moyle

A sex therapist and relationship therapist, and the guest on this podcast. She discusses various taboos and issues in sex and relationships.

Software & Apps

Kate Moyle's Website

The personal website of sex and relationship therapist Kate Moyle, where people can find more information about her work.

OMGS

An online platform for instructional videos and interviews, launched by The Kinsey Institute, focused on helping to create female orgasm and stimulate female pleasure.

Organizations

The Kinsey Institute

One of the leading sexuality research institutes in the world, which launched an online platform called OMGs for instructional content on female pleasure.

The Gottman Institute

An organization that has conducted extensive research on couples and communication, advocating for ownership of one's feelings in conversation, using 'I say' statements rather than 'you' statements.

Books

Happy Sexy Millionaire

The host's debut book, a product of three years of work, including isolation in jungles and extensive research, distilling his most important life lessons with visualizations by a leading artist.

Pandora's Box

Used as a metaphor to describe the fear some people have about opening up conversations about sex in a relationship, worried that once started, it cannot be 'closed' or will lead to unforeseen difficulties.

Media

The Sexual Wellness Sessions

A podcast hosted by Kate Moyle, featuring informative but informal conversations about various aspects of sexual well-being, including desire, sexual functioning, sexual mindset, and infertility.

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