Why did Lewis Howes wait to speak about his childhood trauma?

Lewis feared that revealing his childhood trauma would lead to losing love, friends, and his business. He held onto this shame for 25 years until a transformational workshop helped him face it, realizing that helping others heal made it worth any potential loss.

How did Lewis Howes' father's accident and passing affect his life's mission?

His father's brain accident at age 21, and later his passing, instilled a profound sense of urgency in Lewis to pursue meaningful things. It made him question if he was truly living the way he wanted, leading him to prioritize his mission and authentic power.

What is Lewis Howes' philosophy on compromise in relationships?

Lewis believes in compromising on activities but not on core values or authentic self. He argues that abandoning one's true self to create peace in a relationship leads to pain and resentment, advocating for partners who accept each other wholly.

What are Lewis Howes' relationship priorities and how did his partner Martha react?

Lewis communicated early in his relationship with Martha that his top priority is his health, followed by his mission/calling from 'God/universe,' making his partner the third priority. Surprisingly, Martha viewed this positively, as she sought a partner with purpose rather than one who would make her their sole purpose.

Why do Lewis Howes and his partner Martha engage in proactive couples therapy?

They engage in couples therapy when things are good to openly discuss expectations, agreements, values, dreams, and visions. This prophylactic approach helps them build a strong foundation, process potential issues early, and avoid conflict from festering.

What does Lewis Howes consider the single biggest killer of relationships?

He believes the biggest killer of relationships is not healing one's wounds and abandoning one's authentic power to create peace. Unhealed triggers will inevitably surface and cause conflict in intimate relationships.

How can one develop emotional regulation without a therapist?

Lewis suggests reading books like 'How to Do the Work' by Nicole LePera, which provides practices like journaling and meditation. He also recommends talking to a trusted human like a priest, parent, teacher, or wise friend for guidance and emotional processing.

How did Lewis Howes overcome his fear of public speaking?

He joined Toastmasters and practiced consistently every week for a year, starting by reading from notes and gradually gaining confidence until he could speak extemporaneously. This process built a 'baseline of confidence' and led to mastering the skill.

What is Lewis Howes' overarching mission in life?

His mission is to serve 100 million lives weekly, helping them improve their quality of life. He is not attached to a specific mechanism (like podcasting or books) but is committed to the mission itself, using it to guide his decisions and partnerships.

Why is legacy important to Lewis Howes?

Legacy is important to Lewis in how his life and actions will influence his siblings, grandchildren, and community, and to ensure his family name is meaningful. It's about healing generational traumas and passing down positive lessons.

Key Moments

The Top 6 Habits Destroying Your Relationships! - Lewis Howes

The Diary Of A CEO

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Apr 14, 2022|613,152 views|16,382|923

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Key Moments

TL;DR

Healing childhood trauma, embracing vulnerability, and prioritizing self-growth are key to authentic relationships.

Key Insights

Childhood trauma, including abuse and neglect, significantly shapes adult relationships and requires conscious healing.

Men are often not taught emotional communication, leading to suppressed shame, guilt, and insecurities, impacting intimacy.

Authentic relationships require self-awareness, vulnerability, and a commitment to one's own mission and well-being over people-pleasing.

Instead of compromising core values, open communication about personal priorities (health, mission, lifestyle) builds stronger foundations.

Facing fears and embracing discomfort through consistent practice (like public speaking or therapy) leads to significant personal growth and mastery.

Emotional regulation is a critical life skill, essential for navigating challenges without destructive reactions, and can be learned through intentional effort.

THE PROFOUND IMPACT OF CHILDHOOD TRAUMA

Lewis Howes emphasizes that unresolved childhood trauma, stemming from abuse and challenging family dynamics, creates deep-seated beliefs of unworthiness and unlovability. These internal narratives unconsciously drive people-pleasing behaviors and lead to repeating unhealthy patterns in adult relationships. He highlights that for years, he was haunted by the memory of abuse, which impacted his self-perception and ability to form healthy connections until he actively engaged in inner child healing and therapy. This process of confronting and integrating past wounds is crucial for present-day self-acceptance and relational health.

EMOTIONAL EXPRESSION AND THE CHALLENGE FOR MEN

A significant barrier to healthy relationships, particularly for men, is the lack of education and societal permission to express emotions like shame, guilt, and insecurity. Unlike women, who often have established support networks for sharing vulnerabilities, men are typically taught to suppress these feelings. This emotional suppression can lead to reactive behaviors, anger, and difficulty in forming deep, intimate connections. Howes advocates for changing this narrative by modeling vulnerability and encouraging open communication about internal struggles.

PRIORITIZING AUTHENTICITY OVER PEOPLE-PLEASING

Authentic relationships thrive not on compromise of core values, but on a foundation of self-awareness and unwavering authenticity. Howes learned that abandoning oneself to please a partner or maintain superficial peace creates resentment and anger. Instead, he advocates for openly communicating one's core values, mission, and lifestyle priorities, even if it means being 'obnoxiously' oneself. This approach, while initially challenging, allows for genuine connection and mutual acceptance, rather than a forced or conditional love built on pretense.

ESTABLISHING CLEAR PRIORITIES IN RELATIONSHIPS

Defining and communicating personal priorities is essential for sustainable, healthy relationships. Howes shares a pivotal conversation with his girlfriend where he established that his health and his mission would always be his top two priorities, with the relationship being a close third. This might sound harsh, but he explains it ensures he can show up fully as a partner by maintaining his well-being and fulfilling his purpose. When partners understand and align with these fundamental priorities, it creates a more stable and authentic dynamic, fostering mutual respect for individual pursuits.

THE POWER OF EMBRACING DISCOMFORT AND DISCIPLINE

Overcoming fears and embracing discomfort is central to personal growth and mastery. Howes used public speaking and salsa dancing as vehicles to confront his deep-seated fears, demonstrating how consistent practice and willingness to be uncomfortable can transform limitations into strengths. This principle extends to relationships, where navigating difficult conversations and processing past hurts requires courage. By engaging with fear rather than avoiding it, individuals can build confidence, unlock new opportunities, and achieve a more fulfilling life, both personally and relationally.

EMOTIONAL REGULATION AS A CORE LIFE SKILL

Emotional regulation is identified as the most critical skill for human beings, enabling individuals to manage their feelings and reactions in challenging situations. Without it, external events can exert excessive power, leading to destructive behaviors and fractured relationships. Howes emphasizes that this skill is learned through self-awareness, introspection, and often therapeutic guidance. By consciously processing triggers and wounds, one can respond rather than react, fostering inner peace and maintaining alignment with one's core mission and values.

BUILDING A STRONG FOUNDATION THROUGH THERAPY AND CONVERSATION

Proactive therapeutic work and open dialogue are vital for building resilient relationships. Howes and his girlfriend engage in regular therapy sessions to discuss expectations, agreements, values, and future visions, even when things are going well. This 'relationship workout' creates a safe space for vulnerability and prevents small issues from escalating into resentment. This preventative approach, akin to regular health check-ups, ensures ongoing alignment and strengthens the foundation of the partnership, emphasizing that consistent effort and open communication are key.

TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR RELATIONSHIP OUTCOMES

A recurring theme is the importance of taking full responsibility for one's role in relationships. Howes consistently states that challenges or toxic dynamics were 'on him' because he chose to stay, abandoned himself, or did not stand up for his values. This ownership empowers individuals to recognize their agency and make conscious choices. By reframing the 'risk' of vulnerability as less dangerous than the 'risk' of inauthenticity, people can make healthier decisions, leading to more meaningful connections and personal growth.

THE ROLE OF LEGACY AND MISSION IN LIFE

Reflecting on legacy, Howes sees it not just as what one leaves behind, but as the continuous impact of one's actions and healed traumas on future generations. His personal mission to serve 100 million lives weekly provides a clear compass for decision-making, ensuring his efforts are aligned with a greater purpose. This mission-driven approach, coupled with a commitment to personal healing and emotional regulation, allows for sustained fulfillment, even amidst life's inevitable challenges, ensuring that each day is a step towards living a truly meaningful life.

Mentioned in This Episode

●Companies

●Organizations

●Books

●People Referenced

Common Questions

Lewis Howes' childhood, including sexual abuse and a challenging family dynamic, led him to patterns of people-pleasing and self-abandonment in relationships. He believed he was unworthy and unlovable, unconsciously repeating patterns he witnessed in his parents' relationship.

Topics

Mental Health & Psychology Human Performance Mindset & Self-Improvement Relationships & Communication Relationship Dynamics Emotional Regulation Personal Growth Overcoming Fear Childhood Trauma Life Purpose Authentic Self Emotional Healing

Mentioned in this video

Media

Diary of a CEO

The podcast hosted by Steven Bartlett, where Lewis Howes is being interviewed.

Locations

Dubai

The city where the host met Lewis Howes a month prior to the interview, noting his self-awareness and curiosity.

People

Tom Bilyeu

An American entrepreneur, writer, and a co-founder of Quest Nutrition and Impact Theory; Lewis Howes has appeared on his podcast.

Gary Vaynerchuk

An American entrepreneur, author, speaker, and internet personality. He once told the host that achieving his goal of buying the New York Jets would be the 'worst day of his life' due to the end of the chase.

Lewis Howes

Former professional football player, lifestyle entrepreneur, and New York Times best-selling author, known for his podcast 'School of Greatness' and his work on vulnerability and self-improvement.

Jay Shetty

A life coach, author, and former monk, known for his work in the self-help space; Lewis Howes has appeared on his podcast.

Nicole LePera

An author and psychologist known as 'The Holistic Psychologist'. Lewis Howes recommends her book 'How to Do the Work' for individuals seeking self-healing without a therapist.

Books

How to Do the Work

A book by Nicole LePera that provides exercises and practices for self-healing and emotional processing, recommended by Lewis Howes.

The Mask of Masculinity

Lewis Howes' book about men's vulnerability and emotional healing, which he wrote to help others despite initial financial concerns.

Organizations

New York Jets

An American professional football team; Gary Vaynerchuk's stated goal was to buy them.

Toastmasters

An international organization that helps people improve their public speaking and leadership skills. Lewis Howes used Toastmasters to overcome his fear of public speaking.

Companies

Huel

A food company that produces nutritionally complete food, including protein shakes. The host praises their salted caramel protein shake for being low calorie, high protein, and complete in vitamins and minerals.