Why are couples in long-term relationships having less sex now?

Sexual frequency has declined over recent decades due to factors like increased pace of life, work-life balance issues, and device-driven distractions, which make it harder for desire to emerge.

How do societal expectations (sexual scripts) negatively impact sex lives?

Societal sexual scripts, often derived from media and pornography, create unrealistic expectations about desire, pleasure (prioritizing men's orgasm), and what 'real sex' entails, leading to dissatisfaction and an orgasm gap.

What is the importance of communication in a satisfying sexual relationship?

Communication is one of the most highly correlated factors with long-term sexual satisfaction and maintaining desire. It allows for growth and flexibility in the sexual relationship, preventing problems from festering in silence.

What is 'sexual currency' and how does it help a relationship?

Sexual currency refers to all the non-sexual acts that mark a couple as sexual beings, such as passionate kissing, flirtation, or intimate moments. High sexual currency helps trigger responsive desire, meets sexual needs, and reduces pressure around sex.

Should couples schedule sex or physical intimacy?

Scheduling sex is generally advised against due to the pressure it creates. However, scheduling brief moments of physical intimacy or 'sexual currency' is recommended, as it can act as scaffolding to intimacy and trigger desire without the high-pressure expectation of sex.

How can parents maintain desire and a good sex life?

Parents face unique challenges like sleep deprivation and managing mental load, which can reduce desire. Strategies involve acknowledging that struggles are normal, prioritizing equitable sharing of household labor, and maintaining sexual currency to keep the relationship sexually connected.

How does sleep affect sexual desire and performance?

Good sleep significantly increases the chances of having sex (by 14%), while poor sleep, especially due to nighttime waking, disrupts physiological sexual responses and the REM sleep necessary for sexual functioning, negatively impacting desire and satisfaction.

Is monogamy natural for humans?

No, humans are not inherently designed to maintain sexual interest in the same person for a long time. Monogamy is a social construct that requires conscious effort, nurturing, and novelty to maintain a good sex life, as natural spontaneous desire and sexual currency tend to decline over time.

Can pets negatively impact a couple's sex life?

Yes, pets can be a significant, unexpected disruption. They can ruin the mood by trying to get involved, watching, or creating noise outside the bedroom, which acts as a distraction and interferes with intimacy.

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Key Moments

TL;DR

Expert reveals key to better sex: focus on communication, sexual currency, and realistic expectations.

Key Insights

Sexual desire is often responsive, not spontaneous, and can be triggered by sexual stimuli and currency, not just waiting to feel aroused.

Modern distractions and societal sexual scripts negatively impact sex lives by creating pressure and unrealistic expectations.

Open communication about desires, fantasies, and challenges is crucial for long-term sexual satisfaction and relationship health.

Sexual currency, defined as actions that mark a couple as sexual partners beyond intercourse, is vital for maintaining desire and connection.

Parenthood significantly impacts sex lives, but proactive relationship management and focusing on small changes can preserve intimacy.

Scheduled physical intimacy and 'sexual currency' building are more effective than scheduling sex itself to maintain desire.

UNDERSTANDING SEXUAL DESIRE AND ITS BARRIERS

Dr. Karen Gurney, a clinical psychologist specializing in psychosexology, highlights that societal representations of sex often lead to dissatisfaction due to unrealistic expectations of spontaneous lust and passion. She emphasizes that desire is frequently responsive, triggered by sexual stimuli, rather than a spontaneous urge. Modern life's distractions, particularly device usage, hijack attention, making it difficult for desire to emerge and negatively impacting sexual response. This difficulty in focusing and the pursuit of distraction are significant new challenges in sex therapy.

THE IMPACT OF DISTRACTION AND EXPECTATIONS ON SEXUAL AROUSAL

Distracting thoughts during sex, which occur in over 90% of people, can significantly reduce arousal and pleasure. When these distractions are worries or stressful thoughts, they activate the sympathetic nervous system, signaling danger to the body and shutting down the sexual response. Similarly, expectations and pressure surrounding sex act as passion killers, creating anxiety and making it harder to enjoy intimacy. This is exacerbated by societal "sexual scripts" learned from media, which often present unrealistic scenarios and prioritize one partner's pleasure, leading to an orgasm gap.

BUILDING SEXUAL CURRENCY AND FOSTERING COMMUNICATION

To counter declining desire in long-term relationships, Dr. Gurney introduces the concept of "sexual currency." This refers to the non-sexual gestures and affections that build intimacy and mark a couple as unique, such as passionate kissing, flirting, and affectionate touch, separate from everyday interactions. Fostering open communication is paramount. Instead of avoiding difficult conversations, couples should aim to create a culture where discussing sex is normal and low-pressure, starting with discussing external topics related to sex and gradually moving towards personal intimacy.

NAVIGATING SEXUAL CHALLENGES IN PARENTHOOD

Parenthood presents unique challenges that often amplify existing relationship dynamics, significantly impacting sex lives. Lack of sleep, increased workload (mental load), and shifting relationship roles can diminish desire and create resentment. Dr. Gurney advises that it's normal for sex lives to suffer with young children, but proactive strategies like sharing household responsibilities equitably, prioritizing small moments of connection, and understanding that it’s a challenging phase can help maintain intimacy. Focusing on increasing sexual currency and gentle turn-downs can boost satisfaction even when time for sex is limited.

THE MYTH OF FREQUENCY AND THE REALITY OF DESIRE

A common myth is that sexual satisfaction correlates with the frequency of sex, with many believing three times a week is the norm. Dr. Gurney clarifies that quality, not quantity, is key, and the average is closer to three times a month. For women, spontaneous desire often decreases in long-term relationships, but responsive desire, triggered by sexual stimuli, remains effective. The key is to understand that desire can be cultivated through intentional actions and a supportive relational context, rather than passively waiting to feel aroused.

EMBRACING SEXUAL GROWTH AND DIVERSE RELATIONSHIP STRUCTURES

Sexual relationships require continuous growth and adaptation, especially in long-term partnerships. Dr. Gurney encourages openness to exploring fantasies and desires, even if they differ from a partner's. This involves building trust and communication to navigate these differences, potentially through exercises like identifying "conditions for good sex." She also touches upon the idea that humans are not inherently designed for lifelong monogamy and that open relationships, while requiring significant work in communication and boundaries, can be a successful alternative for some, challenging traditional norms.

Mentioned in This Episode

●Products

●Tools

●Books

●Studies Cited

●Concepts

●People Referenced

Cultivating a Fulfilling Sex Life

Practical takeaways from this episode

Do This

Improve general communication skills with your partner before discussing sex.

Create a culture where talking about sex becomes normal and frequent, without pressure.

Talk about what's going well in your sex life, especially after positive experiences.

Define what you want your sex life to be like, focusing on what you want more of.

Kiss more for kissing's sake, not just as a prelude to sex.

Schedule physical intimacy (e.g., bath, massage, cuddling) to trigger desire.

Understand the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire.

Increase 'sexual currency' through non-sexual intimate acts.

For men experiencing arousal non-concordance, shift focus from penis hardness to other pleasurable sexual activities or partner's pleasure.

Share mental load and household labor equitably in relationships, especially for parents.

For parents, prioritize sharing nighttime childcare duties equally to improve sex life.

Avoid This

Avoid waiting for 'spontaneous desire' to initiate sex if you're in a long-term relationship.

Don't schedule sex directly as it creates pressure and can kill spontaneity.

Avoid letting resentment build due to unequal domestic labor or feeling like a 'third child.'

Do not solely focus on penis-in-vagina sex if it doesn't align with both partners' anatomy or preferences.

Don't ignore the importance of discussing individual sexual preferences and fantasies.

Avoid direct, unsexy initiation phrases like 'should we have sex then?'

Do not allow pets to disrupt sexual intimacy in the bedroom.

Common Questions

The average sexual frequency for people in the UK (and replicated globally) is about three times a month. However, there's no correlation between frequency and sexual satisfaction; quality is more important than quantity.

Topics

Sexual Dissatisfaction Sexual Scripts Orgasm Gap Sexual Currency Parental Sex Life Open Relationships Menopause And Sex

Mentioned in this video

People

Karen Gurney

A clinical psychologist and psychosexologist with 20 years of experience helping individuals and couples overcome sexual problems, and lead psychologist in an award-winning NHS sex clinic.

Gagnon and Simon

Sex researchers from the 1970s who organically developed the concept of Sexual Script Theory.

Concepts

Social Learning Theory

A psychological concept where we learn about sex from what we witness in the media and social interactions, as opposed to direct communication.

Arousal non-concordance

The phenomenon where bodily arousal responses (like an erection) do not always match the degree of mental sexual desire, common for all genders but particularly noticeable in men.

Sexual Script Theory

A concept describing how people develop set ideas about what their sex lives should look like, based on media and popular culture, due to lack of open communication.

Books

How Not to Let Having Kids Ruin Your Sex Life

Dr. Karen Gurney's newest book, described as a guide for parents to maintain a healthy sex life after having children.

Mind the Gap

Dr. Karen Gurney's other book, cited in the discussion regarding women's desire for more sex.

Studies & Research

PornHub research

Research analyzing the hundred most popular videos on PornHub, which found that women's pleasure was depicted in only 18% of videos, while men's pleasure (related to PIV sex) was shown in 78% of cases.

Tools & Products

Conditions for Good Sex (exercise)

A free exercise available on Dr. Gurney's social media and website that guides people through writing down what their perfect sex looks like, covering psychological arousal, physical stimulation, and being in the moment.