How do I know if a decision is right for me, especially when it feels scary?

When making a potentially scary decision, get quiet and tune into your body. If the decision aligns with your true self, you'll feel a sense of expansion and possibility, even with nervousness. If it's wrong, you'll feel constrained, depleted, or shrinking. This internal feedback helps differentiate true intuition from fear.

Why is it so hard for people to change, and what truly motivates it?

Change is challenging because we are hardwired to repeat patterns. People typically change when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of making a change, or when they find hope through someone else's story. It requires tedious, painful, and often lonely incremental steps, not a sudden burst of motivation.

What is the 'Let Them' theory and how does it help with anxiety?

The 'Let Them' theory is about stopping the attempt to control everyone around you. By saying 'let them' do what they want, you release wasted energy on others' actions, opinions, and expectations. This forces you to look inward, take responsibility for your own needs, and stay in your peace and power, which reduces anxiety and stress.

How can I set meaningful goals and discover my true desires?

Before setting goals, do a 'life audit' by ranking different categories of your life (relationships, health, money) from 1-10. Then, aim to improve each by a few points. For dreams, identify who you are inspired by or even jealous of, as jealousy often indicates a blocked desire for something you authentically want.

How does ADHD present differently in boys and girls, and what are the long-term impacts on women?

Historically, ADHD was studied only in boys (symptoms around age 7, hyperactivity). Girls, 'The Lost Generation,' often don't display symptoms until age 12, presenting as inattentiveness, disorganization, and internalizing these issues. Undiagnosed ADHD in girls commonly leads to the development of anxiety, which is often treated without addressing the underlying attention deficit.

What is the link between childhood trauma and ADHD?

Experts like Gabor Maté suggest a compelling link between childhood trauma and ADHD. In chaotic or traumatic childhoods, children may develop tuning out as a survival mechanism, or remain in a hypervigilant state, both of which can impact the brain's ability to focus and regulate attention, potentially contributing to ADHD symptoms.

What are the challenges women face during menopause, and why is it often misunderstood?

Menopause brings confounding body changes, including expansion, brain fog, and hot flashes, due to changing estrogen levels. Conflicting advice and expensive testing make it difficult to navigate. Historically, medical research excluded women or used post-menopausal women, leading to a lack of scientific rigor and understanding for over half the population, making it feel like a 'massive gray area'.

How can I best support a loved one going through menopause?

Mel Robbins highlights the overwhelming nature of menopause due to confusing symptoms, conflicting advice, and historical neglect in medical research. Supporting someone involves acknowledging their experience, recognizing that their body is undergoing significant uncontrolled changes (like a 'furnace'), and being patient with symptoms like hot flashes and brain fog, as definitive solutions are still emerging.

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Mel Robbins: Saying These 2 Words Could Fix Your Anxiety! (Brand New Trick)

The Diary Of A CEO

People & Blogs6 min read97 min video

Dec 4, 2023|2,523,888 views|53,482|1,998

The Diary Of A CEO steven bartlett steve bartlett podcast the diary of a CEO podcast life lessons CEO

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TL;DR

Change your life by using the 'Let Them' theory to stop controlling others and focus inward.

Key Insights

You can change your life's direction at any age, viewing life as a road trip where you can stop and recalibrate.

Negative emotions like jealousy and frustration are signals to pivot your direction, not indicators of personal failure.

Acting on your intuition often feels scary due to a natural fear response to change, but aligned decisions bring expansion, while misaligned ones cause shrinking.

Motivation is unreliable; change comes from the pain of staying the same outweighing the pain of change, or from a spark of hope ignited by shared stories.

The 'Let Them' theory involves relinquishing control over others' actions and opinions, which is driven by personal insecurity and anxiety, freeing up your energy.

Understanding the biological chain of sensation, perception, feeling, thought, and action is key to managing behavior, especially with ADHD, anxiety, or trauma.

Menopause is a confusing biological change for many women due to insufficient research and conflicting advice, demanding self-education and proactive management.

Setting goals requires knowing your starting point; dreams are equally important as directional beacons, often revealed by identifying what you're jealous of.

ADHD in women is often misdiagnosed as anxiety due to differing symptom presentation and a historical lack of research focus on females.

Giving up the need to control others allows you to reclaim personal power, focus on your own values, and foster healthier relationships.

RECLAIMING YOUR DIRECTION AT ANY AGE

Mel Robbins emphasizes that life's direction can be changed at any point, regardless of age. She uses the metaphor of a road trip, where mile markers represent years, to illustrate that one can pull over, reassess, and choose a new path. This internal navigation system responds to both positive and negative signals; negative emotions like frustration and jealousy are not flaws but directional cues to pivot. Even when faced with responsibilities like mortgages, Robbins contends that paying attention to these inner signals is crucial for making necessary changes.

THE RELIABILITY OF INNER WISDOM OVER MOTIVATION

Robbins argues that motivation is unreliable because it's not present when truly needed. Instead, she highlights our innate inner compass, a natural intelligence programmed by life experiences. The problem isn't lacking this compass, but failing to listen to it. Evidence of this can be seen in past relationships where individuals often knew it wasn't right, but courage to follow their intuition was lacking. This courage is essential because acting on inner wisdom often requires stepping into the unknown, which can trigger a fear response mistaken for a wrong decision.

DISTINGUISHING INTUITION FROM FEAR

A key insight is differentiating between the fear response to change and the authentic call of intuition. While decisions aligned with one's inner self, even if scary, lead to a sense of expansion and possibility, misaligned decisions result in a feeling of shrinking and depletion. Robbins advises quieting oneself and assessing whether a potential action expands or constricts. This discernment is crucial for making choices that genuinely serve one's path, distinguishing between genuine apprehension and a signal of misalignment.

THE CATALYST FOR CHANGE: PAIN VERSUS HOPE

Change often occurs when the pain of remaining stagnant becomes greater than the pain of making a change. Robbins notes that for some, this threshold is only reached after significant hardship. However, change can also be ignited by hope—a rare spark when feeling stuck. This hope can emerge from hearing someone else's story of overcoming similar challenges, providing the belief that things can indeed get better. Without either this pain threshold or a flicker of hope, significant change remains improbable.

THE 'LET THEM' THEORY: RELEASING CONTROL FOR PEACE

Mel Robbins introduces the 'Let Them' theory, a powerful tool for regaining control by stopping the attempt to control others. She posits that much of our energy is wasted worrying about and trying to influence what others do, feel, or think. By consciously saying 'Let them,' one acknowledges the situation and her own feelings, but releases the need to manage outcomes beyond her control. This practice is liberating, reducing anxiety and redirecting energy back towards personal growth and well-being.

UNDERSTANDING AND MANAGING YOUR INNER WORLD

Robbins delves into the biology of decision-making, illustrating how sensation, perception, feeling, thought, and then action form a chain reaction. For individuals with anxiety, trauma, or ADHD, this chain can be triggered by bodily sensations, leading to predictable (and sometimes unhelpful) actions. She advocates for reversing this chain by adopting a behavior-first approach, acting as if you were the person you aspire to be. This behavioral shift can, over time, alter self-perception and rewire neural pathways.

NAVIGATING MENOPAUSE AND HORMONAL CHANGES

Robbins shares her personal experience with menopause, highlighting the overwhelming nature of bodily changes and the lack of clear, accessible information. She notes the historical underrepresentation of women in medical research, particularly concerning hormone health. The confusion stems from conflicting advice and the expense of diagnostic testing. Robbins emphasizes the importance of self-education and proactive management during this phase, recognizing that women deserve comprehensive understanding and care for these significant life transitions.

SETTING GOALS AND IDENTIFYING TRUE DREAMS

Approaching the new year, Robbins stresses the importance of understanding one's starting point before setting goals. An audit of life categories, ranking current satisfaction, and identifying steps to improve (e.g., moving a health score from a '2' to a '5') provides direction. Dreams, distinct from goals, are seen as beacons of aspiration, often revealed by identifying who one is jealous of, as jealousy signifies a blocked desire. These aspirations, whether for peace, family, or vibrant energy, serve as directional signals for personal fulfillment.

ADHD AND THE 'LOST GENERATION' OF WOMEN

Robbins discusses her own ADHD diagnosis at 47, explaining how it provided an explanation for lifelong challenges. She highlights the 'Lost Generation' of women who were not diagnosed due to historical research focusing primarily on boys. Girls often present with inattentive, daydreaming symptoms that can be misdiagnosed as anxiety. Understanding ADHD as an issue with executive functioning and the brain's ability to modulate focus, rather than a simple attention deficit, is crucial for effective management and treatment.

THE LINK BETWEEN TRAUMA, ADHD, AND ANXIETY

The conversation touches upon the potential link between childhood trauma and ADHD. The theory suggests that chaotic or stressful early environments can lead to survival mechanisms like tuning out or hypervigilance, which may manifest as ADHD symptoms. This hypervigilance can fry the brain's 'conductor,' impairing its ability to regulate focus. For women, this can further compound issues, leading to anxiety when underlying ADHD is left undiagnosed and untreated, often after years of misdirected treatment.

EMBRACING VULNERABILITY AND AUTHENTICITY

Robbins values authenticity and vulnerability, seeing them as far easier than pretense. She believes her ability to dissect, understand, and express herself openly is a talent that carries responsibility. By sharing her own challenges, including menopause and ADHD, she aims to help others feel less alone and more empowered. Her driving force stems from witnessing people feeling invisible and stuck, motivating her to share insights that can make a difference in their lives, reinforcing that no one is truly alone in their struggles.

THE POWER OF SELF-PRESERVATION AND BOUNDARIES

The 'Let Them' theory is framed not as selfishness, but as self-preservation and a generous act of allowing others independence. By not trying to control others, one conserves energy and takes responsibility for their own values and actions. This includes setting boundaries and prioritizing one’s own truth and healing. While there are exceptions, particularly regarding safety and self-destructive behavior, the core principle is to manage one's own reactions and energy within relationships, fostering inner peace and personal power.

Mentioned in This Episode

●Products

●Organizations

●Concepts

●People Referenced

Mel Robbins' Guide to Change and Inner Peace

Practical takeaways from this episode

Do This

Pay attention to what 'sucks' in your life as a signal for change and pivot points.

Connect with your inner compass for guidance on uniquely aligned paths, even if scary.

Embrace the 'action first' approach: start acting like the person you want to be, even without motivation.

Use the 'Let Them' theory: release control over others' actions and opinions to regain personal peace and power.

Take responsibility for your own feelings, boundaries, and healing, rather than trying to manage others' reactions.

Conduct a 'life audit' of various categories (relationships, health, money) and rank them to define starting points for goals.

Pay attention to who you are jealous of, as jealousy is often 'blocked desire' pointing to your true dreams.

Prioritize peace and learn to rewire your nervous system to respond differently to triggers.

Avoid This

Don't rely on motivation, as it's often fleeting and unreliable.

Don't mistake the natural fear response to new decisions with your intuition being wrong; look for a sense of 'expansion' or 'shrinking' instead.

Don't try to change another person; they only change when they're ready.

Don't waste energy trying to control other people, their actions, or their opinions.

Don't put your happiness or self-worth in someone else's hands or in external achievements.

Don't ignore the signs of undiagnosed ADHD, especially in women, as it can be a root cause of anxiety.

Common Questions

Mel Robbins suggests viewing your life as a road trip where you can pull over and change direction at any moment. Pay attention to negative emotions like jealousy or frustration, as they act as navigational signals indicating a need to pivot. Taking action, even small ones, can create momentum, regardless of how you feel initially.

Topics

Anxiety Relief ADHD In Women Nervous System Regulation Inner Compass

Mentioned in this video

conceptThe Let Them Theory

A simple truth that the fastest way to take control of your life is to stop controlling everyone around you. It involves acknowledging situations and redirecting focus back to oneself rather than external factors.

conceptBehavioral Activation Therapy

A therapy approach that focuses on leading with behavior first, starting to act like the person you want to be, irrespective of current feelings or thoughts.

personPaul Ekman

An expert from Stanford, interviewed by Mel Robbins, whose work focuses on the inner voice and the subconscious, and how this internal narrative informs self-perception and drives actions.

organizationSoul Degree

Men's retreats created by Mel Robbins' husband, Chris, focusing on deeper experiences and connection, selling out quickly due to high demand.

conceptMDMA Therapy

A type of guided therapy mentioned by Mel Robbins as something she used with her husband to help smooth out her nervous system and address conditioning and programming.

conceptEMDR

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, a therapy mentioned by Mel Robbins as part of her journey to calm her nervous system and deprogram negative patterns.

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