Key Moments
How to Succeed at Hard Conversations | Chris Voss
Andrew HubermanKey Moments
Chris Voss shares FBI negotiation tactics for everyday conversations, focusing on empathy, listening, and maintaining composure.
Key Insights
Winning a negotiation often means making the other side feel heard and understood, not just trying to achieve your explicit demands.
Tactical empathy, rather than emotional empathy, involves actively demonstrating verbal understanding of another's perspective, which deactivates negativity and fosters connection.
Proactive listening involves anticipating predictable negative emotions and addressing them directly, often disarming potential conflict before it escalates.
Simple communication tools like mirroring (repeating key words) and labeling (describing perceived emotions with 'sounds like/seems like') encourage deeper explanation and build rapport.
High-stakes negotiations benefit from everyday low-stakes practice, keeping communication skills agile for unexpected challenges.
Urgency in demands, especially from unknown sources, is a significant red flag, often indicating a scam or manipulation tactic.
THE MINDSET OF A NEGOTIATOR
Chris Voss emphasizes that successful negotiation begins with a specific mindset focused on diagnosing the situation and identifying the best possible outcome. His initial goal is to quickly determine if a viable deal exists or if it's a 'bad deal' that warrants a swift exit, as prolonging a poor negotiation is a wasted effort. Voss highlights the importance of being playful and lighthearted when appropriate, citing personal negotiation wins achieved through humor and unexpected approaches. Conversely, when faced with tension or anger, he uses his 'late-night FM DJ voice' to calm both the counterpart and himself, drawing on the neuroscience of low-frequency sound to entrain a calmer emotional state.
HYPOTHESIS TESTING IN BENEVOLENT NEGOTIATIONS
For more benevolent discussions, such as planning a trip or a joint financial venture, Voss advocates for a 'hypothesis testing' approach derived from scientific methods. Instead of directly asking what someone wants, he suggests starting by articulating one's best guess of the other person's perspective. This prompts correction, which is inherently satisfying for the other party and encourages candor, accelerating the information-gathering process and building rapport simultaneously. This approach fosters collaboration, allowing for the discovery of better ideas that might not have been considered initially, moving beyond the superficial desire for a 'win-win' that can often mask manipulative intent.
IDENTIFYING DECEPTION AND RED FLAGS
A critical skill in any negotiation is discerning deception. Voss explains that vague threats or non-specific demands are often attempts to scare or bluff, indicating that the other side has left themselves an 'out.' Conversely, specificity in who, what, when, and where a threat will be carried out indicates serious intent. He stresses that any request for immediate action or the creation of artificial urgency is a major red flag, often used in scams to push individuals into making impulsive, ill-informed decisions. Voss offers personal anecdotes of detecting scams by introducing incongruent details that a genuine friend would recognize, but a scammer would not.
WEARING DOWN THE AGGRESSOR
In high-friction negotiations with aggressive or 'cutthroat' individuals, Voss advises against direct confrontation. Instead, he employs a strategy of 'wearing them out' through passive-aggressive questioning, primarily using 'how' and 'what' questions. These questions force the aggressive party to engage in 'slow thinking,' depleting their ego and making them reveal more about their true intentions and capabilities. The goal is not to win by force but to subtly guide them to a point of exhaustion where they are more likely to relent or reveal loopholes in their position. However, he cautions that 'ego depletion' deals, while effective in contained situations, may not stick in long-term business or personal contexts if the other party's ego recharges.
THE BIOLOGY OF LISTENING AND PERCEPTION
Voss's methods are underpinned by a deep understanding of human psychology and emerging neuroscience. He notes the innate human tendency to suppress one's own voice, making mirroring others' words a powerful tool for self-reflection. He also emphasizes the importance of 'gut feelings' as highly accurate indicators, suggesting that the subconscious mind processes myriad subtle cues—like pheromones or minute changes in tone or body language—that conscious awareness might miss. This 'supercomputer' of the subconscious provides intuitive insights often dismissed in favor of logical analysis, yet it's crucial for understanding the true dynamics of an interaction.
TACTICAL EMPATHY AND DEACTIVATING NEGATIVITY
Tactical empathy, as defined by Voss, is distinct from emotional empathy. It's about actively demonstrating an understanding of the other person's perspective, not necessarily agreeing with it or feeling their emotions. This involves 'labeling' perceived negative emotions (e.g., 'sounds like you're frustrated,' 'seems like this is driving you crazy') to proactively deactivate them. By calling out predictable negativity, whether present or anticipated, negotiators can inoculate the counterpart against feeling those emotions more intensely. This approach makes the other person feel heard and understood, creating an opening for more constructive dialogue without requiring the negotiator to share their feelings.
ENDS AND BEGINNINGS: HUMANE TERMINATION OF RELATIONSHIPS
When it comes to ending relationships, be it romantic, professional, or contractual, Voss emphasizes directness and a swift, yet gentle, approach. He likens it to 'cutting someone's head off' humanely, stressing that prolonging the inevitable only increases suffering. If possible, deliver bad news, like a firing, on a Monday to allow the individual a full work week to process and begin looking for new opportunities. He advises against sugarcoating or engaging in lengthy pleasantries, as people are surprisingly resilient to pain if warned beforehand with phrases like 'you're not going to like what I'm about to say.' This approach respects the other person's ability to cope and move forward.
THE HUMAN ELEMENT IN HOSTAGE NEGOTIATIONS
In contained hostage situations, family members can be invaluable resources, but their involvement must be surgically orchestrated. Voss recounts instances where family's spontaneous attempts to reason with a hostage-taker proved counterproductive due to unresolved emotional wounds or unhelpful conversational patterns. A specific recorded message from family, carefully crafted to convey empathy without blame, could be powerful. The principle of 'humanization' is also critical for hostage survival: by conveying personal details like their name, a hostage becomes harder to harm or kill, as they transition from an abstract threat to an individual the aggressor can relate to.
PRACTICING FOR HIGH-STAKES PERFORMANCE
To maintain negotiation readiness, Voss advocates for 'small stakes practice for high stakes results.' This involves consciously applying communication skills in everyday interactions with taxi drivers, grocery clerks, or TSA agents. Simple actions like offering a label ('seems like a tough day') or carefully chosen questions ('what do you love about what you do?') keep mental muscles limber and provide candid insights into others' motivations. This constant engagement builds a habit of effective communication, ensuring that when an unexpected high-stakes situation arises, the negotiator can respond with their best self, even without warning.
HOLISTIC WELL-BEING FOR SUSTAINED EXCELLENCE
Voss emphasizes that consistent high performance in challenging fields like FBI negotiation is inseparable from holistic self-care. He highlights the importance of robust social support systems, humor, and mutual reinforcement among colleagues to manage the emotional toll of intense work. Beyond professional bonds, he includes personal practices such as gratitude exercises, meditation (even if brief), and a strong spiritual foundation as essential for mental and emotional resilience. Physical fitness, healthy diet, and practices like cold plunges are also integral, not as 'self-indulgence,' but as means to recharge and enhance mental capacity, allowing individuals to show up more effectively for others and their missions.
INNOVATING COMMUNICATION: FIRESIDE AND BEYOND
Voss continues to evolve his approach to communication training. He describes "Fireside" as a new interactive podcast and group coaching platform founded by Fallon Fatemi and Mark Cuban. This subscription service offers weekly live Q&A sessions, allowing individuals to directly interact with Voss and his team, ask questions in their specific contexts, and receive personalized feedback. This format provides an accessible and scaled way for people to deepen their negotiation skills, serving as an intermediate step between reading his book, "Never Split the Difference," and attending more intensive in-person training. Many participants report significant improvements in both professional relationships and personal life, including saving marriages.
THE POWER OF 'SOUNDS LIKE'
Voss repeatedly emphasizes the profound impact of opening statements with 'sounds like' or 'seems like.' These phrases serve as non-judgmental observations of another's emotions or beliefs. By offering a hypothesis of what someone might be thinking or feeling, even if incorrect, it prompts clarity, invites correction, and makes the other person feel genuinely heard. This simple tool bypasses defensiveness, encourages deeper elaboration, and naturally fosters a listening-oriented dynamic in conversations. Voss imagines a world where children learn this early, believing it could fundamentally transform human interaction by orienting individuals towards understanding rather than immediate broadcast or defensiveness.
Mentioned in This Episode
●Products
●Software & Apps
●Companies
●Organizations
●Books
●Concepts
●People Referenced
Common Questions
Chris Voss suggests entering negotiations with a playful and calm mindset. Playfulness can lead to astonishing outcomes, while a calm demeanor helps in processing information accurately and managing negative emotions. The 'late night FM DJ voice' can also help calm oneself.
Topics
Mentioned in this video
Guest on the podcast, former FBI agent, lead crisis negotiator, member of the Joint Terrorist Task Force, and author of 'Never Split the Difference'.
Hostage negotiation hero who wrote 'Man Without a Gun' and negotiated face-to-face with Hezbollah to release Western hostages from Beirut in the mid-1980s.
Motivational speaker, whose concept of a 'state change' is referenced by Chris Voss for instantly shifting mood.
Author of 'Beyond Winning', cited for his definition of empathy in negotiation.
Co-founder of Fireside and investor, interviewed by Chris Voss on the platform.
Psychiatrist mentioned as one of the finest in the world, who discusses the subconscious as the brain's supercomputer for knowledge processing.
Author and journalist, whose perspective on empathy as the 'transmission of information' (separate from compassion) is aligned with by Chris Voss.
Leader of the Branch Davidians during the Waco siege.
A young man kidnapped by the Abu Sayyaf terrorist group in the Philippines, who eventually walked away due to negotiations slowing down the situation.
Friend and co-author with Chris Voss on a book for residential real estate agents, 'The Black Swan Method for Real Estate Agents'.
Host of the Huberman Lab podcast, professor of neurobiology and ophthalmology at Stanford School of Medicine.
Co-founder of Apple, known for wearing the same clothes daily to reduce decision fatigue, a concept related to ego depletion.
Co-founder of Fireside, described as a dynamic, smart, and hard-charging entrepreneur, and Google's youngest employee.
Missionaries held hostage by Abu Sayyaf in the Philippines. Two of the three remaining hostages died due to friendly fire after 13 months of captivity.
Organization mentioned in the context of Johnny Pico's negotiations in Beirut.
Auditory neuroscientist and neurosurgeon at Stanford, previously a guest on the podcast, who confirmed the neuroscience behind low-frequency sounds.
Filmmaker behind the documentary 'Tactical Empathy', noted for his generous and collaborative relationship with Chris Voss.
A company that makes high-quality eyeglasses and sunglasses designed for performance, comfort, and optical clarity.
A personalized nutrition platform that analyzes blood and DNA data to provide insights and protocols for health goals.
Film company mentioned in connection with Nick Nanton and the 'Tactical Empathy' documentary.
A self-cooling cold plunge unit for deliberate cold exposure, recommended for mental and physical health benefits.
Talent and media agency Chris Voss is currently working with on various projects, including the 'Tactical Empathy' documentary.
A terrorist group in the Philippines that kidnapped Jeff Schilling and later the Burnhams.
A religious group led by David Koresh, involved in the Waco siege.
Law enforcement agency where Chris Voss spent over two decades as an agent and lead crisis negotiator.
One of the three 'Apex Journals' in scientific publishing, mentioned by Andrew Huberman.
University where Chris Voss has taught courses in negotiation.
Terrorist organization discussed as having predictable patterns of killing people on deadlines in 2004.
Academic institution where Andrew Huberman is a professor of neurobiology and ophthalmology.
Colombian rebel group mentioned in the context of a kidnapping case in Venezuela.
One of the three 'Apex Journals' in scientific publishing, mentioned for publishing a paper on heartbeat synchronization.
University where Chris Voss has taught courses in negotiation.
One of the three 'Apex Journals' in scientific publishing, mentioned for publishing articles on magnetoreception in humans.
Bestselling book authored by Chris Voss, offering expertise in negotiation tactics.
A book co-authored by Chris Voss and Steve Scha, applying negotiation principles to the real estate profession.
Book by Danny Kahneman, referenced for its concepts on deep thinking and slow thinking in decision-making.
Book authored by Johnny Pico, concerning his experiences in hostage negotiations in Beirut.
A book mentioned by Chris Voss detailing experiments where self-labeling negative emotions causes them to diminish.
Book by Bob Mnookin, which defines empathy as distinct from agreement or liking the other side.
Book mentioned by Andrew Huberman as having a phenomenal title, comparable to 'Never Split the Difference'.
Capital of the Philippines, where Chris Voss encountered issues with local police during a hostage case.
Location where the military attempted to use music and sounds to influence Manuel Noriega, a tactic Chris Voss notes was counterproductive.
Location of a kidnapping case where Chris Voss's unit worked with the FARC.
More from Andrew Huberman
View all 205 summaries
40 minBenefits of Sauna & Deliberate Heat Exposure | Huberman Lab Essentials
148 minAvoiding, Treating & Curing Cancer With the Immune System | Dr. Alex Marson
31 minEssentials: The Biology of Taste Perception & Sugar Craving | Dr. Charles Zuker
189 minUnlearn Negative Thoughts & Behaviors Patterns | Dr. Alok Kanojia (Healthy Gamer)
Found this useful? Build your knowledge library
Get AI-powered summaries of any YouTube video, podcast, or article in seconds. Save them to your personal pods and access them anytime.
Try Summify free