What are the key assumptions of romanticism regarding relationships?

Romanticism assumes there's a perfect soulmate waiting for us, that love is found by instinctual attraction, that love lasts forever ('happily ever after'), and that sex is the ultimate expression of this perfect love.

How does romanticism's emphasis on purity and goodness affect relationships?

Romanticism suggests humans, especially children, are inherently good. This can lead to self-righteousness in relationships, making it difficult to accept partners' flaws or acknowledge one's own imperfections, as it contradicts the idealized view.

Why does romanticism make it hard to have long-term relationships?

Romanticism's focus on perfect, instinctual love, the idea of soulmates, and the belief in inherent goodness fails to prepare us for the practicalities, inevitable conflicts, and the need for communication and mutual education required for enduring relationships.

What is the role of 'knowing your craziness' in a relationship?

Being aware of and able to articulate your own psychological 'craziness' or distortions, and understanding your partner's, is crucial. It replaces harmful self-righteousness with a more realistic and compassionate approach to navigating relationship difficulties.

Why are we often attracted to partners who are familiar but problematic?

Our attachment patterns formed in childhood influence adult relationships. We may unconsciously seek familiarity, even if it means recreating difficult dynamics, rather than choosing partners purely based on idealized goodness or happiness.

How does romanticism's ideal of honesty cause problems in relationships?

Romanticism promotes complete authenticity, but full disclosure of all thoughts and desires can be overwhelming or damaging to a partner. Mature relationships require editing and strategic communication, not just raw, unfiltered honesty.

Why do practical matters like 'towels on the floor' cause relationship arguments?

Romanticism ignores the mundane, practical aspects of life. When couples are too idealistic to acknowledge or discuss chores and domestic responsibilities, these small issues can become bitter points of contention.

What's wrong with the romantic idea that true love is wordless?

The belief that true love is wordless leads to sulking and a refusal to communicate problems, assuming a partner should intuitively 'mind-read.' This is a disaster because no one can fully understand another person without clear communication.

How should we approach criticism in a relationship according to the speaker?

The speaker suggests moving away from the romantic idea that criticism signals a lack of love. Instead, inspired by the ancient Greeks, love involves mutual education, where partners help each other grow, and criticism, when delivered constructively, is a sign of care.

What is the ancient Greek view of love, and how is it more helpful?

The ancient Greeks saw love as admiration for virtues and accomplishments, leading to mutual education and self-improvement. This contrasts with romanticism's focus on feelings and implies that partners should help each other become better versions of themselves.

Why are technological dating tools like Tinder often unhelpful for long-term love?

Apps like Tinder emphasize choice and 'rightness,' promoting an impatient search for friction-free partners. They fail to teach crucial relationship skills like patience, forgiveness, and the ability to see humanity beyond superficial profiles.

Can love and money coexist, or are they fundamentally incompatible?

The speaker, referencing Jane Austen, suggests that while pure romantic love sees money as irrelevant, a practical recognition of money's role in a relationship is sensible and not inherently unromantic or evil. Financial stability can contribute to a good relationship.

What is the key to maintaining appreciation in a long-term marriage?

The speaker suggests that appreciating your partner, even after many years or in an arranged marriage, comes from recognizing their value and realizing that life is finite. Imagining that tonight might be your last evening can foster deeper appreciation.

Key Moments

Alain de Botton on Romanticism

School of Life

Education4 min read73 min video

Jul 30, 2016|2,932,787 views|57,647|1,545

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Key Moments

TL;DR

Romanticism's ideals of soulmates and instant connection hinder long-term relationships. Embrace flaws, communication, and learned skills for lasting love.

Key Insights

Romanticism, though beautiful, has created unrealistic expectations for love, leading to relationship failures.

The belief in soulmates and finding 'the one' through instinct prevents us from accepting and working through partner imperfections.

Modern relationships suffer from a lack of self-knowledge and an overemphasis on initial feelings, neglecting the importance of communication and compromise.

Developing practical skills, managing expectations, and embracing imperfections are crucial for successful long-term partnerships.

The ancient Greek concept of love as mutual education and admiration for virtues offers a more realistic and constructive approach than romanticism.

Long-term love requires viewing partners with compassion, understanding their 'craziness,' and engaging in open, patient communication, rather than expecting mind-reading.

THE PERVASIVE INFLUENCE OF ROMANTICISM

Alain de Botton argues that romanticism, an 18th-century intellectual movement, profoundly shapes modern conceptions of love, even for those unfamiliar with its origins. This ideology, propagated through literature, song, and film, instills ideas about soulmates, instinctual attraction, and the pursuit of a perfect, effortless connection. While these narratives are captivating, they set unrealistic expectations that often lead to disappointment and relationship breakdown. De Botton emphasizes that love is not purely spontaneous; it's heavily influenced by social and historical contexts, with romanticism being a dominant force in contemporary relationships.

DELUSIONAL ROMANTIC IDEALS VERSUS REALITY

Romanticism promotes several core, yet problematic, beliefs about love. The idea of a soulmate destined for us, whom we'll find through irresistible instinct, ignores the complexity of human connection. This is contrasted with historical 'marriages of reason' that, while unromantic, were based on practical considerations. Furthermore, the romantic notion of 'happily ever after' and love's eternal nature is often unsustainable, overlooking the daily realities and potential for conflict that arise in long-term partnerships. The romantic idealization of love also tends to deify partners, setting the stage for destructive self-righteousness when imperfections inevitably surface.

THE CATASTROPHE OF UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

De Botton posits that romanticism has been detrimental to long-term relationship success by fostering an overemphasis on initial feelings and a neglect of the practical and emotional work required. The belief in inherent human goodness, a secular extension of religious ideals, wrongly assumes partners are perfect, making it difficult to address flaws constructively. This ideology also creates a false dichotomy between love and practicality, ignoring essential aspects like domestic chores and financial management, which were notably absent in romantic literature but are crucial for relationship stability, as exemplified by the tragic fate of Madame Bovary.

THE BLIND SPOTS OF ROMANTIC COMMUNICATION AND HONESTY

Romanticism's glorification of intuitive understanding and effortless connection discourages open, verbal communication. This leads to a prevalence of sulking, where partners expect each other to inherently know their feelings, fostering resentment when this mind-reading fails. The romantic ideal of complete honesty, while appealing in theory, is also impractical; full disclosure of all thoughts and desires can be destructive to a partner. True intimacy requires learning to edit and share vulnerabilities strategically, recognizing that not all aspects of oneself can or should be revealed without consideration for the other's capacity to receive. This contrasts with the ancient Greek view of love as a process of mutual education and admiration.

EMBRACING IMPERFECTIONS AND THE SKILL OF LOVE

A more constructive approach to love, inspired by the ancient Greeks, views relationships as a process of mutual education and growth, focusing on admiration for a partner's virtues and accomplishments rather than expecting perfection. This perspective acknowledges that all individuals are flawed and prone to 'craziness' stemming from early experiences. Recognizing and communicating these imperfections, not at the moment of hurt but when both partners are calm, is essential. Love is presented not just as a feeling, but as a skill that requires intentional effort, patience, forgiveness, and humor, shifting from romantic intuition to deliberate practice.

RECALIBRATING EXPECTATIONS FOR LASTING HAPPINESS

Instead of lowering expectations, de Botton advocates for raising them realistically, focusing on developing the skills needed to meet them. He suggests treating partners with the gentle understanding usually reserved for young children, acknowledging that psychological wounds are invisible but profoundly impactful. Humour and the ability to see a partner as a 'lovable idiot' are vital tools for navigating imperfections. Furthermore, the idea that compatibility is an achievement, not a prerequisite, encourages couples to work through differences. The pursuit of both safety and excitement in relationships is acknowledged as challenging, often requiring a choice between different forms of suffering, but ultimately, love is a learned skill, not just a spontaneous feeling.

Mentioned in This Episode

●Software & Apps

●Organizations

●People Referenced

Navigating Love Beyond Romanticism

Practical takeaways from this episode

Do This

Acknowledge that everyone, including yourself and your partner, is 'crazy' and imperfect.

Learn to observe your partner with the gentle, forgiving perspective one might have for a young child.

Develop a sense of humor to navigate the inevitable imperfections and 'idiocy' in relationships.

Understand that compatibility is an achievement, not a prerequisite for love.

Be prepared to use words patiently and strategically to communicate needs and feelings.

Embrace practicalities like laundry and finances as necessary components of a relationship.

Focus on appreciating your partner daily, remembering the impermanence of life.

View love as a skill to be learned and practiced, not just a feeling.

Avoid This

Don't expect perfect compatibility or a complete absence of friction in a long-term relationship.

Don't believe that true love is solely based on spontaneous, instinctual feelings.

Avoid suppressing or hiding your 'insanities' until they cause damage; share them constructively and at the right time.

Don't criticize your partner harshly for everyday habits; remember they are human and likely have their own struggles.

Don't equate criticism with a lack of love; constructive feedback is part of a mature relationship.

Avoid assuming that your partner should intuitively know your thoughts and feelings.

Don't dismiss the practical aspects of life (money, chores) as unimportant in love.

Don't rely solely on technology or algorithms to find 'the one'; focus on developing inner resources like patience and forgiveness.

Common Questions

Romanticism is an intellectual movement from the late 18th century that has deeply shaped modern Western ideas about love. It emphasizes the belief in soulmates, finding love through instinctual 'special feelings,' and the notion of 'happily ever after.'

Topics

Modern Love Soulmates Practicality Ancient Greek Philosophy

Mentioned in this video

People

Lah Fukor

Mentioned for his aphorism that some people wouldn't have fallen in love if they hadn't heard of it, highlighting the influence of external narratives on love.

Media

Before Midnight

Praised as one of the few sensible films about marriage in recent years, offering an adult description of love and relationships.